of passion and style

2011-07-08T12:54:00.005+08:00

"to those of you who have pushed me, thank you- without you i wouldn’t have fallen.
to those of you who laughed at me, thank you- without you i wouldn’t have cried.
to those of you who just couldn’t love me, thank you- without you i wouldn’t have known real love.
to those of you who hurt my feelings, thank you- without you i wouldn’t have felt them.
to those of you who left me lonely, thank you- without you i wouldn’t have discovered myself,
but it is to those of you who thought i couldn’t do it— it is to you i thank the most because, without you i wouldn’t have tried"

im not that great of a person, i make mistakes and i have regrets.
ok maybe my regrets aren't too apparent.
maybe i am just plain oblivious.
i laugh way too loud and things just seem to get to me.
basically, im saying that im not perfect, but when im with you, it doesn’t matter, because you just seem to make me smile.
you mean that much to me.
just one thing.
please don't take that smile away from me.

letting go is an act of acceptance, not a denial of what happened.
when you bring peace to the past, you can move forward to the future.

heh, easier said than done.

do you know that i love you.
you were always my hero.
i'll never forget your love.
i was your princess.
it just pains me to know it was just a thing of the past.
it's funny how i've tried so hard to defend you, but you remain oblivious.
it's painful how easy you are able to take me out of this comfort zone.
i've never hated you.
i was never taught to hate.
but honestly, i can never bring myself to respect you anymore.
neither can i say that i need you in life.

when i look at at old pictures, i feel so much love.
i feel whole again.
you lost me once, you're losing me twice.
i can never hug you the same way again.
i can never think of you the same way again.
i can never feel like your princess again.
i can never habour the fact that i've made you proud.
i can never need you like i did once before.

because you broke me dad.
you broke me, for good.

and hey, superman is not brave; you cannot be brave if you're indestructable.
it's the everyday people, like you and me that are brave; knowing that we could easily be defeated but still continue forward.

you know what is the sad thing about being a girl?
it is because of all the stereotypes and historical gender nonsense.

i love you.
we spend like a million moments together.
what are we?
boy - i dont know.
girl - im hoping for something.

well that's just a general thought.
i may be wrong. but i suppose the idea lingers.
weird. funny. true.

that is the sad thing about being a girl, you cant just walk to a guy and tell him to love you the way that you want him too.
you just have to wait for them to grow in their heart, in the right time.
but the other sad thing is, a girl will not always wait for a guy to appreciate her, they get tired too.
especially if you make her feel that she got no chance at all.
and if you dont love her back now, there is a change that she will find someone who will.
because she knows that she deserve someone, every girl deserve a guy who will treat her right.
but that itself, will take her forever.

because she's has met so many.
because she will meet many more.
but it's that one boy who struck her.
that one boy whom she grew hopes about.

the most difficult phase of life is not when no one understands you,
it's when you can't understand yourself.

thank you for awesome friends. & to the one whom i wanna grow old with; thank you for always being around.

2011-07-08T12:13:00.002+08:00

At some point we all make a bad decision, do something that harms another person, or cling to an outdated belief. When we do, we strive to reduce the cognitive dissonance that results from feeling that we, who are smart, moral, and right, just did something that was dumb, immoral, or wrong. Mistakes; most probably, just known as a common misunderstanding between two parties.

One would certainly not think too much of the mistakes made if it doesn't affect. Sadly, when the outcome of the mistake turns sour, it would not just affect the way you feel, but the things you do and the subsequent decisions you make. Many of us are victims of mistakes made by others. Be it a regular friend or someone who means the world to you.
Some of us actually make those mistakes.
Afew of us; we are the mistake.

Push those explainations aside, we're only human. And I know many of us would be humane enough to wanna correct these mistakes. But what happens when we're trying so hard, but we keep being pushed away? Try harder? Obviously. But til' when?

Whether the consequences are trivial or tragic, it is difficult, and for some people impossible, to say, “I made a terrible mistake.” The higher the stakes—emotional, financial, moral—the greater that difficulty. Self-justification, the screwed up shit that deludes us into thinking that everything will be alright in the morning, is something that lets us sleep at night and keeps us from torturing ourselves with regrets.

In our private lives, it can simply be the death of love.

2011-03-25T11:05:00.005+08:00

you know, everybody’s looking for something to blame because they don’t want to look inside themselves.

such a short and bold statement to mirror the almighty ego.
amidst your personal self-reflection, there's always this tiny voice that grumbles and debates.
blaming sometimes falls short.
blaming sometimes causes you to look like an egoistic wreck.
blaming sometimes is the hard way of putting across your arguement. it wasn't a matter of blaming to me.
neither was it a matter of resent.
it was simply a question of your sensitivity. well, and also my over-emotional deeds.
hug me, kiss me.
it isn't just a matter of the two in the situation and then you can simply back out.
nor is it a matter of you having to choose sides.
in the first place, the whole heartache rose for the fact that it was supposed to be a big day for you.
if it was any other person, i would not have cared so much.
it was simply because it was you.
and you simply said it isn't your problem?

think it through and true.
it wasn't my problem that you're unstable financially or in your career.
it wasn't my problem. but i still cared.

please.
learn to appreciate what you have, before time makes you appreciate what you had.

sometimes the things you want the most don’t happen and what you least expect happens.
i don’t know - you meet thousands of people and none of them really touch you.
and then you meet that one person and your life is changed.

..will there be a continuation after?
when you meet another person, and your life changes, again?

it annoys me that you seem so far away.
and the distance isn't helping make me feel better.

the thoughts of you and us floods my mind everyday and it disturbs me that you're not feeling the same.
assurance can sometimes be my downfall.
you know that.
and that can give you the upperhand.

i'm lonely.
why do you think i had to learn to act so independent?
i also get mad too quickly, and i hog the covers, and my left hand isn't as big as my right.
my hair has it's own zip code.
plus, i get certifiably crazy when i've got PMS.
you see, you don't love someone because they're perfect.
you love them in spite of the fact that they're not.

i'm still going through the motions of living this life.
basking in the sanity.
staying as rooted as ever to firmly believe of what im created to achieve.
it is easy.
it's about a girl who is on the cusp of becoming someone..
a girl who may not know what she wants right now, and she may not know who she is right now, but who deserves the chance to find out.

2011-01-30T10:21:00.012+08:00

a blessing is defined in the dictionary as "anything that gives happiness"...
so let's start with that.

life itself is a mixed blessing; which we vainly try to unmix.
very often, we try to sip out and categorise these events.
we would then smile at what has occurred and then dwell on the things that didn't meet our expectations.

i'm very good at reminding others to "go with the flow" and to "live in the now." but, i will just as quickly admit doing so is easier said than done.
maybe who we are isn't so much about what we do, but rather what we're capable of when we least expect it

i would say, that the new year isn't a big thing.
it may be special for some.
it may bring certain forms of hope for others.
but honestly, it's just another day.
it's another day of meeting expectations that havent been met.
it's another day of surviving the wild world.
it's another day to show to the world that your existence is worthy(:

one month into the new year and thank the one above for all the littlest blessings.
for friends i've learnt to cherish.
for a special someone i've learnt to appreciate.
for a settling family.
for still letting me feel the love of my amazing parents.
each day that passes seems better. seems satisfying, no matter what it may bring.
because sometimes, i've learnt, that the reality do not allow you to change the hurricane; you just gotta leant to stay out of its path.

rekindling friendships and family ties are the bestest things in the world.
these people are the basis of happiness in life.
you're are never alone in life, and i've been taught that.
somehow, somewhere, there's always someone who is willing to take the trouble to be with you.
to make sure you are well.
or best of all, to assist deluding you that you are well.
schools always teach us to not lie.
but they also always remind us to make the people around us feel better(:

moving on, i would love to thank you for not getting off my back after the turmoil we were in.
for the one with too many coincedences, thank you for such exact randomness.
its weird how those random calls could be a life-saver for me.
and it's all the same. when i see you, i see my moment of truth.

numbers make sense. you cannot say the same about people.

i love you, but i was never in love with you.
we laugh, we cry. we scream, we gag. we love, we annoy.
the hard part is i never wanna be apart as i get older.
i always want you to stay put. to not leave. to not judge me.
i want you to be a constant in my life.
it's just as tough for me to have to keep trying to please.
it hurts when all i feel when i get back is some negative aura.
i want a home. not a house.
i need us to not argue, to not fight, to work things out.
because i only have you.
i want you.
i need you.
just as much as you need me too.

living with regrets is like driving a car that only moves in reverse((:

i still havent seen the mistake.
i havent figured what seemed too right for me to have chosen you..
but push those curiousity aside, i've never regretted.
instead i've always wanna gear forward. together or as an individual.

you know how come i can't stay mad for long?
it's because you never blow off your top.
im gulible. im slow. im whiny. im self-centered.
but when i see you do things.
i see the pain in your eyes.
i see how much determination you have to stay clam and make me feel better.
i see the way to move yourself.
i see the way your lips tensed with the soft grin.
and if any, i see the ring on your finger and how religiously you're willing to wear it.
and i think; he doesn't deserve this.
if he is willing to try his best, he deserves me at my best as well.

please tell me that your best will always be good enough.
no please don't tell me.
please show me.
please show me that there'll never be a moment of regret.

sometimes when you think you've lost, you actually wind up coming out far ahead(:

xoxo, bangs. i know((: heh!

2010-11-21T01:33:00.009+08:00

this is life. people will screw you over.

you'll fight with your family.

you'll witness things that will change you forever.

you'll blame new lovers for things old lovers did.

you'll lose bestfriends whom you thought will always be there.

you'll come to realise that everyone has a past.

you'll cry, you'll laugh, and you'll embarrass yourself.

but somehow, you'll then find your very own moment where none of that matters; where you can sit back and realise that shit happens to the people who can handle it and that this is who you are, and that no one should want to change you, no even yourself.

blatantly, you'll never know how much you've done til you get hurt.

you'll never know how much it hurts til the other party becomes all insensitive or oblivious.

humans' expectations actually.

prolly only just female's high expectations of what they actually want out of the other species.

they hope, they assume, & commonly, they get hurt.

dumb.

so moving on, i think generally everyone has a different purpose in life.

or rather, everyone has different goals; be it long or short term.

i suppose it prolly changes with time.

i wanted to be a president in kindergarden.

then i was influenced to being a financial consultant when i learnt abacus in primary 2.

3 years later, i was set to being a news reporter. reading aloud & acing orals.

life was simple huh.

then i sort of grew up. or, grew naive.

i figured i wouldnt be fucken rich if i worked for people.

so i wanna be a business woman.

an entrpreneur. have an awesome business idea and soar to the sky..

eventually, i aimed to audition for theater performances, getting paid for being glee!

then i wanna be in the top management in an awesome bank.

then im settling for playing with stocks.

earning while being comfy at any place.

i know.

i've learnt.

sometimes you expect a little too much. you can wish but you cannot expect.

you hope for a forever blissful family.

you expect your perfect soul-mate to gallop down the hallway with a shiny white stallion and rescue you from life's tortures.

you believe in happy endings.

but how can any endings be a happy one?

whats life without problems?

if we never had bad days, how would we have good days?

if life was perfect, there wouldn't be erasers, or kissing and making up.

you've just gotta learn to deal with what's thrown at you and remember that no matter how hard life may seem, there's always someone worse off than you.

it's tiring to go through the motions of life.

the same exact routines.

day in and day out.

hoping for a change. wishing for a change.

but ironically being afraid of change itself.

just be thankful in life, no matter how unfair it gets.

be it a situation.

be it a feeling.

be it because of a person.

so somehow, one day, you eventually do not have to come to realisation;

that the other party never did care or that they eventually stopped.

2010-10-20T22:21:00.004+08:00

you've gotta love something too much to get hurt real badly, quickly.

you're gonna to come across people in your life who will say all the right words at all the right times. but in the end, its always their actions you should judge them by.

its actions, not words, that matter.

there are just too many things in the world to trigger the comparison compartment in your head.

be it from the food you eat, to the clothes you wear, to the love you share.

i think tolerance is an important thing for one to uphold.

or maybe, expectations are just a fcked-up deal.

are you truly kidding me?

my eyes would never be as shiny as those pretty stars.

my hair was never prefect.

and no, i do not receive compliments on being beautiful everyday.

that itself suggests two things; either im plainly not or someone is lying when he says that.

maybe there isnt anything that you would wanna change about me, because you simply cannot do so.

maybe the only reason you can't stop staring at my smile is simply because its the most honest and sincere smile you've ever seen, but your ego deters you from saying anything but just stare..

and my laugh? its prolly just infectious.

i dont even think you think its sexy.

i don't even think i am perfect.

i don't even think i am amazing.

i think there are a million things that you might want me to change but you're just putting up a front.

so lets just stay and wait for the outcome.

then again, everything described were part of my physical presence.

don't i make any internal impact to you at all?

not even to discuss my perceptions for your future?

when i think of what i'll be without you, there's a loud voice within thinking what you would have been without me instead.

thanks for making me realise that the popular song for the moment makes no sense in my life.

im such a moron for doing this.

because i am never amazing just the way i am.

2010-09-27T18:12:00.005+08:00

just when you think it can't get any worse, it can.

and just as you think it can't get any better, it can.

i just think that growing up, one should know how to view matters from various point of views.

one should also put a limit on negativity.

life has been good. abit monotonous.

its good on stability.

but i suppose, after a period of time, you just need something different.

i used to love routined-days. knowing what to expect, positive of how to handle.

but now, it could simply kill.

i need something new.

school&dance&cheer&friends&shopping.

work&school&work&school.

i've always loved growing up.

please life, don't take that away from me.

when you're struggling with something, look at all the people around you and realise that every single person you see is struggling with something, and to them, it's just as hard as what you're going through.

in regards of the death of minister mentor lee kwan yew's wife, i can't help but shed a tear.

yes, i seem to have a load of emotional baggage.

don't ask why.

but let's look at it this way, she must have been a super proud and satisfied woman.

one who i would look up to.

one's life in which i would wanna live in.

nevermind that she is the wife and a mother to ministers, but in accordance to what was in store for her in her life, she did it well.

she seemed so thoughtful whenever she is around her husband.

"behind every successful man, there's a great woman"

and i bet you, she is it.

looking at them in those black and white pictures.

and looking at them growing old in the pictures...

((: i want a life like that.

i want a life filled with bittersweet memories.

to spend it with someone who is willing to accompany me through my life.

to succeed together.

to never break me.

to grow old with me, and still hold hands when we walk down the streets.

i want to be able to look into my future, and smile..

because i can see you there, smiling like we do now, only older.

its because i want it to be you.

only, you.

you are like my best friend as well as my lover, and i do not know which side of you i enjoy the most.
i treasure each side, just as much as how i treasure the person himself((:

2010-08-29T00:17:00.005+08:00

if you gave someone your heart and they died, did they take it with them?

did you spend the rest of your forever with a hole inside you that couldn't be filled?

lets admit that the shittiest part of life is feeling superbly lonely.

i mean; thats how i feel. thats what i think.

being tormented into solitude isnt the result of being the only-child like how most would think of me.

the perception of being in solitary differs from every individual.

i've read somewhere and lets just say that if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, is not because they enjoy solitude.

it's because thay have tried blending into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.

have you ever had one of those days that you're just existing but not really living?

you can walk through the most fantastic array of delights and joy, but you don't really bother to soak them into your body and mind?

im not being lifeless or whatnot.

im enjoying life.

going through the motions of it.

but i figure, for some reason or another, im as good as a mediator.

helping people out, and not really being into the problem because at the end of it all, they'll just walk away.

"thank you for everything, ok bye, i'll decide from here onwards"

something along that line. i suppose. heh.

i have my reasons. i have my pride.

i told you, i wont be a kid anymore with all talk but no actions.

haven't i been proving?

why is it so difficult to understand?

why is it so difficult to swollow your pride and listen to my opinions instead?

alternatives. options.

they surround you!

stop deluding yourself.

because here i am, trying my best.

stop hinting the neccesary. stop overlooking me.

i know the festive season isn't technically our cup of tea.

but i think its outrightly idiotic to leave.

we don't have many to spend it with.

but we have a few. why can't we treasure that few?

it's getting on my nerves. why spend it with someone so manipulative.

im not being old-school.

im being apathetic to the ones that you wanna leave behind.
our celebration may not be the best, it may not be as fantastic as others which im absolutely jealous about.
but still, its the little things that counts.

like waking up in the morning.

dawning into something nice.

having a complete meal.

watching funny, witty, sad shows.

have the little ones coming by.

THEN IF YOU WANNA GO, please leave.

by all means.

please assure me im not being overly sensitive.

please assure me im not being paranoid.

because i know for myself that im not.

i dont want to know that your past is at the back of your head.

corrections, yes i do want to know. because it bothers.

but why should it be there in the first place?

paranoid? maybe.

does it mean that you're still thinking of the past, somewhere, somehow, in your thoughts?

does it mean i don't fill up your big, fat head enough?

clearly, i do not know who i wanna shoot this to but lets just shoot it to my undying ego, my sesitive fuck-self and my pathetic logic.

2010-07-29T22:03:00.008+08:00

she told me.. some things are just impossible to understand.

to comprehend.

to agree on.

some things, just hurts.

she tried to be bubbly.

she documented happy endings to share.

she was excited, as always.

she shared delicacies.

but at the end of it all, she was still left figuring why it hurts.

it had never hurt her to share; to be happy.

she started thinking of alternatives but was at a lost.

what more could she do when she was certain that she has done everything?

well, many things.

to account for praising you to mom. due to love?

to account for lunch. due to care?

to account for transport. due to concern?

or is it simply because she cannot bare to hurt his ego?

is it because she is naively positive that her life would be better in the future?

"i'll scratch your back now, then you'll scratch mine."

but will he?

she learnt, though it hurts.

painful, but who is she?

to give him what he wants. or seemed to want.

silence.

hurtful, but does he really care?

2010-06-12T00:17:00.002+08:00

i guess at the end of it all, one should never trust one's heart in the hand of others.

something as fragile as that ought to be handled with as much pride &
dignity.
always do it yourself to gain the outmost satisfaction((:

moving on, I suppose life has been moving at a too fast pace for me to
catch up.
I'll end up being too tired or too caught up with other stuffs.
it's good though, because it diminishes the pain that my heart has to
deal with.
it's always made as a mental note to people that once you've committed
something, you can always end up doing it again.
I think this whole charade sounds typical.
of how one party wants let go and the other is desperately trying to
make things right.
of how in the end, the willing party is just doing it because he/she
feels that it's a selfless thing to sacrifice for the sake of the
other half's happiness.
bullcrap(:
I half-expected the outcome to be this way.
judging from how much I've learn about you thus far..
but thing is, how will I be affected after this whole commotion?
will I still be the same person? the same understanding girl? the same
forgiving one?
I think what you fail to realise is the fact that one could never glue
up a broken heart as perfectly as it was before.
the cracks, hmmm kinda impossible huh ((:

lets just say, I'm going with the flow.
it's the small things that matter.

strangely to be aware of;
there's a huge difference between a relationship & a fling.

as technical as this question may sound, I wonder what happens to the
existence of a platonic friendship.
the things that I miss, the moments spent, the laughter, the
curiosity to wanna know more...
it sucks to let go.
it's not a relationship, but I feel hollow and left out.
I wanted a nice strong, dependent friendship..
I wanted too much it seems.
throw the misunderstandings aside.
I needed a friend out of you.
<3

2010-04-22T21:57:00.004+08:00

at first you were just another face in the crowd ...

as we grow older together
as we continue to change with age
there is one thing that will never change
i somehow will always keep falling in love with you
i know i can't give you the whole world, but i can promise you my best.
even though i know i’ll make mistakes, i will never ever intent to break your heart.
i’ll be right beside you as we chase our dreams together, and you will never have to wonder if i still care.
when you’re near me i feel like everything in the world is right; from the serious moments we share to the pathetic retarded jokes we make out of ourselves or passer-bys.
our moments would vary from day to day.
and from day to day, i am constantly curious at what life would give us.
all I want to do is spend the rest of my life making you as happy as you have made me.

i’ve never had a hard time saying what i feel but that seems to have changed ever since i met you.
even now, i’m finding it difficult to write down everything you have given me.
how can i begin to write down the love i have known?

i know that in every age, in every place, love is certain to be there, so there’s no reason to tremble because life on earth is but one brief moment, a moment truly worth living for.
i have found that out by being with you.
having you in my life has brought me more happiness than a lifetime could bring.
you've touched my life so deeply in your own way that you’ve helped me laugh and become my own self.
i feel like i've searched my whole life and i have finally found the one meant for me.

i know that life seems to be a struggle after another.
our scenery is constantly changing, but there is one thing that remains constant…my love for you.
i want you to emerge into your greatness.
i’ve always had faith in you so be the best that you can and believe in your dreams as i believe in you.

gradually; you're changing. to be better.
not solely because of me. or what i want you to be.
but because of you wanting to undertake your responsibility.
you're making me smile proudly.
you've made me proud, just being yours((:

2010-04-14T15:32:00.004+08:00

do you just blatantly tell someone my deepest, darkest, well-kept secret in a matter of minutes when i've done a fantastic job of keeping it save and secured with me after all these years?

you & me. we are one.
or so i think.

how far of it is true?
now i can understand the selfishness when in comes to sharing friends.
though its something i swear ive never bothered about.
go on.
you CAN TAKE and LIVE OFF whatever that i have built.
you can pretend living off my life.
i can share and pretend its alright. because i really think it is.
because i really trusted you. i trusted our sense of becoming as one.

but living off me and making me a topic of discussion during your free time?

where is your conscience?

2010-04-08T20:44:00.007+08:00

"There are two kinds of love...in the safe kind you look for someone who's exactly like you. It's what most folks settle for.
But then there's the other kind of love. Everyone's born with a ragged edge, and some folks crave that piece that's a perfect fit. You'll search for it forever, if you have to. And if you're lucky enough to find it, it looks so right, you start to tear at your own seams, thanking, maybe i could look just as perfect.
But then, of course, when you try to get close to their other half, you don't fit anymore. That kind of love...you come out of it a different person than you were when you started." -Jodi Picoult
its never my predicted intention to think i would ever have a thought like this.
then again, there are many things happening which i could and would have never ever thought of.
things which seemed too far-fetched.
things which seemed downright ridiculous.
things which are totally uncalled for.
things which i may not like.

ive always figured myself to be distinct in knowing what i am aiming for.
like that boy noted, im always predicting and forecasting on the bigger picture of life.
my life, to be exact.
i'll do whatever in my power to be sure of making the right decisions.
i'll stay up all night thinking, and proving my capabilities.
i'll keep myself strong just wanting things to go my way, and what i expect.

but honestly, what are expectations?

that boy was right though.
i may make good decisions.
i may do all that i have in my power to make sure things go smoothly.
to make sure my life and the lives of the people around me falls into place.

but what i've failed to look at is; the fact that other people's decisions would somehow come around and haunt the palace that i am building.

i'll beg to differ that i am actually contented and happy.
things arent too perfect, but i am well living by the happiness that flows by from day to day.
its just that, i dont fancy a day to day amusement.
i expect too much.
i want; a lifetime.

it has come to a point when i believe, sometimes, i know better than my little mommy.
i love her. i dont deny.
but what she does, its pitiful sometimes.
she is too nice. too fragile. too stubborn.
she sees that in her; admitting to the weakness.
she sees that growing in me; and warning me to divert from that soul.
because in this life, being nice doesn't guarantee righteousness.

sometimes you can see things happen right in front of your eyes and still jump to the wrong conclusions.

they all are just plain weird.
plain redundant in my life.
i can see what daddy is thinking. i can understanding; easily.
its like we have a mutual connection regarding these pool of rumours.
but mommy, she's just being her.
i dont know what else to say.
i just dont want her to be sucked in.
oh gosh..
when i was younger, i pray and yearn for those two-faced monsters to go away in my dreams. now that i am older, i find myself doing the same. just that this time round, its the reality((:

remember those times when i figured you're like my own personal thermometer?
i guess, you're the bestest product i've ever gotten then((:
it felt like ive known you for so long.
it still feels like it.
and i silently hope, you will be with me for long, and forever.

like a thermometer, it gives you the warning about your body temperature.
right?(:
it acts like a precautionary measure.
to ensure you, to warn you, to protect you.
i have all of that, in every aspect, from you.
in life, in sickness and in health, in times of needs..
and i thank you.

this month flings me into a great earthquake.
i've never felt so much tremble all at once before.
the future.
all in all, it sums up to the unpredictable future.
i am scared.
to know that unwanted things may happen, to find out the possibilities in a fraction of a second..
i am scared.
i feel vulnerable.
you know that split second of fear i felt when i tested our chances..?
when i was alone, and you were outside?
i dont even know what to think.

many times i tell myself that i am capable enough for these things.
i ensure myself that i shall, that i will be brave to be alone and to overcome this.
i dont wanna be a burden.
i must be strong.
but sometimes, my strength gets the better of me.
sometimes, i realise, i need a source of comfort to turn to.
sometimes, i realise i simply need encouragement.
you may not be my first, but you're the best i ever had.
for the many many 'first times' that we've gone through, i wish for much more experiences with you.

there are times when i miss my past.
but when i reflect; im excited for my future(:

2010-03-14T20:27:00.003+08:00

yes, i may be negative and whiny at times.
yes, i may not be the most optimistic person alive.
yes, i may be horridly annoying.

but all rise and look that this is a matter close to my heart.
plus im sharing it with you.
what does it fucking mean?
i am thinking.
im trying my best to consolidate my opportunities, my capabilities.
i want so much to make the right choices.
because for once in my life, i feel all grown up.
hell no am i not gonna screw this.
i am not whiny at this.
please think along with me.yes, i appreciate your analysis of the possible pros and cons.
yes, i appreciate the concern of tears and the acknowledgment of my dismay.
yes, what else is there to say?
yes, thank you.
yes, i appreciate.
no, there isnt a but.
the but wouldnt be for your call.
its at my own expense, my own dissatisfaction.
my own patheticness.

choices are scary fuckers.
i cant seem to tell if its a great opportunity or a gradual nightmare.
i want so much to succeed.

whats there to lose?
either i make it or not, i'd still have atleast something.
i am not negative.
i just wanna be careful.
i dont wanna struggle in the future.
i would rather struggle now than be a burden to my family in the future.
they need me. they only have me.
the one ever daughter. the only child.
i cannot screw up.
they cant keep supporting me. i wanna give them a great life instead. i must. i need. i want to.
screwing up would mean having little miss guilt haunting me my whole life.

i am a girl.
i cant depend on anyone but myself.
things may go wrong.
i need, must, equip myself for that.
who am i to trust if not my ownself?
fml? no, i love my life.
fuck my screwed up unlogical, too-stressing brain cells.

im making things look like a burden.
yes, im at fault.
i make things messy at my own accord.

just what i need.

2010-03-12T14:39:00.005+08:00

life is a building.
it rises slowly, day by day, through the years.
every new lesson we learn lays a block on the edifice which is rising silently within us.
every experience, every touch of another life on ours, every influence that impresses us, every book we read, every conversation we have, every act of our commonest days adds to the invisible building. we're given second chances every day of our life.
we don't usually take them, but they're there for the taking.
i suppose i'm capable of identifying these chances.
more or less, i am lucky to have these chances at all.
but the biggest fears of these are to fail again.

are there any safety nets in life at all?
something secured to keep you certain that you'll have a cushion for every of your fall?

these are my concern. my woes. my worries.
my complications. my confusions.
im a sucker at having various plans in life.
i plan things a little too well, that i burst at every slight mishaps.
either that, or ive too many plans, alternatives, that i end up narrowing on neither.
planning is tough, carrying it out is tougher.
my life seems easy and confusing. ironic.
but somehow, i'm e only one confusing myself.
i cant seem to bring myself together.

planning ahead requires me to deal solely with education.
thats all i can see myself as. things i do best.
i cant see myself with a career anytime soon.
i need to break out of my shell.
i need to venture. explore. to be independent.
but all is easier said than done.

i really and utterly hope that the people whom i choose to be in my life would make me come to a standstill.
awaken me to make me look at the bigger picture of life.
slowly, but surely.
i wanna try so badly to change.
to make right choices.
to make my plans become a reality.
i only have myself to prove right.degree.
it seemed so far away from life before.
but im up for it.

everything i do seems concurrent.
would i see this as a second chance?
would my hardwork prevail?
i know my strengths.
i've found my motivation. i
know what i am studying for.
is this second chance or opportunity even necessary?
do i need it?
will the stress kill me? again?

opportunity dances with those who are already on the dance floor.
but am i getting the right floor? i'll give you your space.

i'll try my best to stay rooted, to be matured, to venture out.
but its all so contradicting.
everything that i try to do pains me.
i dont know whats right or wrong. uncertainties kill me.
i tried. i am stressed.
could you hold me down instead of pressuring me?
i love you, but i am not in love with you.it hurts so badly when i sense a glass wall separating us. i want us to talk, effectively listening to each others' worries.
but where were you when i needed you most? im selfish. fine.
but as much as i want my space, i want you around too.
how am i to survive 2years without you by my side?
but this time round, im not gonna be selfish.
i want you to enjoy your life.
i hate to see you alone. do what you have to.
i'll learn. i'll be here to support you in any ways possible.
promise.

a heart won’t heal by itself. glue it together by putting your arms around me. __________________________________________________________________

you know the feeling of being helpless?
of wanting to make something be better so badly, u promise u would do anything for the sake of it?
the feeling of sympathy, regret, concern, annoyance, sorrow, pain, love, all mixed into a bowl?
its like a salad; a salad of uncertainty and confusion.

i dont know if things happen for a reason.
all faith and fate got lost so willingly in just a moment in time.
i dont believe in giving up.
but what happens when it hurts so badly?
when you are so ever willing to fight but the other party is already giving up.
is that victory at all?

lets not talk about nursing you since a baby, nor giving you life at all.
she tried. she tried to be good.
think about it, as much as you hate her, she's sheltering your growth.
being the best cook for your taste buds, the funding of your fees.
she may not be the best, but atleast, for once in her life, she tried.
give her credits for that.

who am i to say anything?
i admit my wrongs.
i admit the mistakes. it was something that was fated to happen.
something deemed as a turning point in our lives.
but thats just my perspective. now; its just up to the way we're handling it.
how are we gonna battle? with what weapon? with which strategy?
because believe it or not, i'll be willing to be by your side.

with the only weapon i have; speech.
______________________________________________________________

prolly you were too angry.
prolly you were too stressed up.
prolly i shouldnt take what you said too hard.
but the hurt of being compared stays.
thanks huh.
when i gaze upon you asleep, caress your face and stroke ur hair...
i really wonder what life has in store for us.
everyone has a past; i am personally sick and tired of it.
i am sick of mistakes. i am sick of being unappreciated.
time and again, i wanna go the extra mile for you.
moments when i am certain that i've concluded a life with you.
still young, still early.
but step by step ya. starting early isnt wrong.
things may happen for a reason.

i hope our reasonings are for the good.
i hope we would be able to overcome all odds together.
if after what happened, u wont wanna continue something we share without blessings, what can i say?
yes, i am afraid of that. weird.
i care for you, precisely why i dont want you to go against.
not to love the perfections, but the imperfections that come along with it.
i dont mind it all.

i'll wait for the day when our future seems near and approachable.
that'll be my happiest.

2010-02-28T09:59:00.003+08:00

there is a sacredness in tears.
they are not the mark of weakness, but of power.
they speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues.
they are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.

i never meant to be angry nor upset.
i never wanted a cold war.
neither did i want such silence on my part.
but honest, even i couldnt comprehend my own feelings.
its unfair, really. to you and me.
i dont understand my heart, and worse, you obviously cant understand it too.

it feels horrible to feel dissatisfied.
and that, mostly, is my problem.
i admit, i need something so much that at times, i tend to forget how its like for others.
selfish.
i got over the fact that you cant contact me all the time.
i know.
but residing deep within me, i yearn for a closeness.
just a tiny chance and hope that you still will pull yourself.
not just by appearing physically, but moments when we are apart too.
so i know, that being apart, you're thinking of me too. childish. sorry.
fair enough that the means of communication has degraded to such low standards.
i had a tough time dealing with that, but i did.
i overcame my heart's anger and sorted it out with compromises to cool it down.
i hovered.
i thought the least you could do was call.
to ask how i am. to say you miss me. to plan and compromise too. just like how my heart did.
once, i lost all hope and expectations from you. yes, it hasnt cease.
but, hoping for my presence during training was inevitable.
time and again, i assured myself of your no-show.
just to make sure my expectations level was kept to a low minimum.
i focused on my steps alot to make me lose focus on you.
til the wee hours when i stayed awake just to receive a call, i got instead an online message from you.
i prefer calls.
i prefer closeness.
i prefer your voice.tears are not a sign a weakness but a sign of passion and resolve.
tears come from the strongest of emotions, the ones that really let you know that yes, you are indeed alive.

2010-02-26T00:02:00.002+08:00

why why WHY?
why can't you call me tonight?
why can't you be the last voice i hear before i sleep?
why must i wait til the next day?
why?!?!?!
ARGH!so unimportant to you!!!

2010-02-24T23:07:00.004+08:00

#1 fly kites at prettypretty places so i can have pretty pictures captured.*
#2 that paintball thingy at khatib.*
#3 buy a fitting pair of jeans that doesnt hang loosely around my waist.
*i can't get anymore straightforward than this right? so there it went baobei.
no use dwelling on finance measurements and satisfying either parties.
the things i want (to do) are mostly with you and encouraging us to have more fruitful time together. so now you decide.
quality time spent.
-.-"

a hindrance if you keep wanting to think that it wont be fun if its only the two of us.
can you think or plan of any other things?
ask any others who wanna join?
keep you head up, look around you..
so what if there's only me and you?
we'll make things fun.
just believe we can, risk it. go for it!
if you keep waiting and thinking we'll do fun stuffs the next time when we have more people around, tell me when that time will come?
i dont wanna wait.
see, i wanna spend time with you, even if its just the two of us.
whats so wrong about trying?
whats so wrong about risking a boring adventure?
it'll be still you and me.
i'm willing.
are you?
or are you just gonna keep wanting to dwell and hinder us of the different experiences that we may encounter together?
more fun before the depressing release of Alevels results!
enough said, please get my mind off this annoying pressure.
i dont like it.
predicting the emotions of failure isnt the bestest feeling in the world.
argh.

and gosh i wish you had a phone now.
how frustrating to wonder aimlessly and *phone rings*.. is that my boyfriend?
its worse than you not having any credit!
like walking by something and missing the hell out of my relationship and *grabs my phone and goes to create message and.. stares at it blankly* then ignore the yearn of my heart.
its hurting.
no, its not your fault.
no, its not my fault for being spoilt and helplessly dependent.
life's just unfair.
yes ernie, blame fate and faith and whatever else you can think of.its frustrating!

plus plus plus..
absolute boredom created.. i think.. i think..
i think the decreased number of days for me to work is affecting me largely.
pfft.
i want to work.
maximise income! and hinder any form of boredom in the house.
earning more money means having the liberty to do more fun stuffs!
EEWWWW how plain annoying.

just stop annoying me please!
hmph! no i'm not angry neither am i sad or whatnot, i'm just plain annoyed with so so so many things!
*annoyed face*

in any case, driving is addictive!
but it tires the freak out of you.
focus, focus.. fuh!
i suck with road directions. golly.

be with me a little more.
let your guts down.
you'll understand((:
when conversation flows freely and smiling is an ease,
tension is a thing of the past because love is made of moments like these.
when personalities click and hearts fade together,
we stop looking further, enjoying this feeling forever.

being complacent is irrational.
unavoidable.
again; let your guts down.
i wont transcend the limits of hope, trust & love.
believe.

thank you for trying.
constantly.
moments when i start getting annoyed (which is unfair because i do that alot and ohwell, i'm working to stop that stupid attitude of mine) you've learnt to overcome it and make me feel better.
not the bestest yet, but hey.. kuddos man ((: you're trying.
and i like it. no, i love the determination.

2010-02-20T10:34:00.004+08:00

there are things in life which are always suppressing you to earn or gain.
the satisfaction lingers for days..
the determination seems worthy..
the outburst of disbelief.
its ironical how i am living life now.
i feel old, but i am still young. but i feel a tiny bit complete, but i'm still mom's & pap's little girl.
((: driving license; welcome to my life dearest.

i drove the first time that night with dad by my side.
he was worried sick, judging me so badly for my safety.
but i was okay. i was better than he expected.
well atleast i exceeded expectations.
but that wasnt the point; the glimmer in his eyes & that satisfied smile.
his daughter is all grown up. getting the taste of life's comfort, step by step.
i feel so proud of myself.
the feeling is indescribable.
the text message he sent me soon after made me tear up.
look dad, the past is past.
i've always loved you and i always will.
yes i miss our family moments before.
but things change and at times, we have to learn to accept it.
i promise i'll never leave you out as long as you want to be in my life.
i'll be fair. i'll be non-judgmental.
thank you for believing in me. i'll try, even better, to do you proud.
it doesnt matter if you've got no son, no other children to depend on...
believe me dad, you can depend on me. and whoever i want in in my life.
i'll choose well. i'll never drift apart.
i know my responsibilities.
i promise you.
you only have me. and i'll never let you regret.
i love you.

reflect back on your younger dreams.
what you see yourself to be.
and think about the satisfaction of living in it..
amazing.
helmi probably got pissed off for the fact that i was twirling my car keys and being all high on that moment.
its living the dream baby, i dream alot, please understand.
i love the feeling; oh gosh!
((: i am sorry so the overreaction but hell, i earned it.
now i understand yana's feeling.
our painted dreams are no more only valid in our dreamlands. heh.
a point to note, i'm a tweeny bit regretful for losing the drive to study for As.
check it out ernie, if i was grining from ear to ear just because i passed TP, the satisfaction of doing well from As would actually leave me giggling from every inch of my body!
tsk.
but oh well, results are coming out in less than 2 weeks.
everythings over and done now.
i suppose i'll have to plan my future well.
everyone sees me reaching so far.
i'll go the long cut even if i have to (:
life just has to be good!

life is an opportunity, benefit from it. life is beauty, admire it.
life is bliss, taste it. life is a dream, realize it.
life is a challenge, meet it. life is a duty, complete it.
life is a game, play it. life is a promise, fulfill it.
life is sorrow, overcome it. life is a song, sing it.
life is a struggle, accept it. life is a tragedy, confront it.
life is an adventure, dare it. life is luck, make it.
life is too precious, do not destroy it. life is life, fight for it.

life is just a chance to grow a soul.((:

thank you helmi for coming by dance practice.
its just a practice. you came.
it meant alot.((:

2010-02-08T01:18:00.003+08:00

you're the thought that starts each morning,
you're the conclusion to each day,
you're all the things i do,
you're everything that i say.

your kiss lingers forever on my lips, you're the smile on my face(:
the twinkle in my eye,
the warmth of my heart.
you've become the fullness of my life.

i never thought i would find myself but now i have since i stumbled on you.
you're the one that understands,thus, my love for you is forever true.
with you i can let go, of intuition and sound mind,
my feelings i cannot help but show,
to a person who is so kind.you are my shoulder to cry on, you and i seems meant to be.
to know you feel my joy, my breaks, my despair.
to know you have marking of of my ring size.
to know you'll fuel my nonsense -.-"
forever you will always be in my heart..
baby thank you for loving me.

2010-02-07T11:20:00.003+08:00

i love you more than you can ever realise.
i don't even understand myself at times.
but i wish you would fight for me.
the yearn to know that i am secured.
its troubling and annoying. i know.
i am sensitive and all. i am sorry.
i'm trying hard to change.
but keep into considerations my boiling point.
so please be my cold water splashes.
at the end of the day, not only is it me who wanna be the right one for you.
i want you to be the right one for me, noone else.

2010-01-17T22:34:00.004+08:00

few people like the idea of fate..
fixed, immutable, implacable, with no option for choice or chance or challenge: just fate, and nothing else.
some people, perhaps, would seem to accept this bleak 'fatalistic' view of the world..
perhaps because they see so many others try to combat the fates, and fail in futility instead.
but most of us will fight against what we see as the unfairness of fate,whether it works or not,so as to at least have the sense that we're doing something..

fate has its own ways of doing things.peaceful and serene; we sometimes need this.
not just as a distressing moment for an individual..
but also together with that one special person.
((:
life is forever ongoing and rapid.
things happen quickly.
very seldom would it actually stop and give us the privilege of rest and reflections.
we need to randomly find that time.

honestly, i love these moments.
of getting away from the bustling life.
idling happily with that one person..
satisfying the need to feel secured.
sharing past experiences and understanding what should or should not have been.
it affects; like it or not. heh!

i've shared and learnt so much.
baby, fate is smart enough to repel us earlier in our lives.
i keep thinking so much about it..
and smiling to myself.
i like the idea of it, as much as i turn green thinking of your past.
lol (: oh, i guess you've figured that out.
the need to want the world to know that you belong to me now! *giggles*
other than that, i am grateful for the fruitful time spent.
we talked alot! and shared so much.

i like the idea of it all.
i am satisfied with the way things went.
but somehow or rather, we should have crossed paths.
we simply should have!
all in all, i guess, things happened for a reason.
and like it or not, i believe in fate.
because it brought me to you, and you to me..
with the slightest of hope, that its all for the good reasons ((:

because i never want you out of my life.

and so.. fate..well..at first sight it seems we have only three choices about fate..
we can abandon ourselves to it,which leaves us with no choice at all, and hence no power either;
we can try to fight against it,which we can't, and hence tends to be an interesting waste of energy in support of an illusion;
or we can try, very, very hard, to pretend that "it doesn't exist really and it's all a load of superstitious hogwash and i don't believe it and i'm not going to believe it so there"...

at which point.. fate comes quietly through the back door and gives us another great big kick in the unfortunates..
because there is such a thing as fate, and it doesn't like to be ignored!((:

2010-01-08T19:08:00.016+08:00

i reckon people learn best through their mistakes.
in no possibility would i honestly wanna leave you.
either by chance, anger or for givings' sake.
i'm selfish for love, and i'm sorry.
i'm going stick through to make things work.

when we are motivated by goals that have deep meanings, by dreams that need completion, by pure love that needs expressing, then we truly live life.

thank you for atleast making a move.
i've gotta be positive ((:
humping on the negativities and dreading on actions which hurt me wouldnt help.
i've learn about expectations the hard way.
yes, as much as you ought to be sorry, i am too.but take a moment..
and think about this.
the greatest weakness of most human is their hesitancy to tell others how much they love them while they're still alive.

2010-01-06T18:54:00.006+08:00

hah i know you'll be expecting this.
guess what. you've got it!
because i'm gonna be very very predictable and typical.
just like how every jerks ah.
sweet!
it was a fantastic feeling being ditched at the last minute.
not just on any day.
its a day when its was actually my first real time working.
working.
on site.
yea. oh and you know what?
i told him! ((: heee.
i texted.
i was eager to share.
hahaha share with who?
lol, oh ernie, go sit and share with yourself sua..!

so lets see, what WAS i excited to share about?
well yea.
a pretty place.
first time i was in PPE.
wearing a safety helmet.
wearing those horrid neon thingy.
and oh oh oh boots! EEWW.
but WOWWW!! it was super exciting.
ahh forget it.
i dont have the mood for this.
you were never there.
oh hurtful eh? i dont give a fuck.
who gives a fuck about me then?
lets see....
-school.
-Alevels.
-graduation.
ok thats phase one.
and no, i couldnt take it.
but yes, i kept abit cool about it.
oh now..
-induction programme.
-work.
-on site.
you know what? forget it.
you're NEVER my first for ANYTHING.
make up to it? how?
turn back the clock?
to be there and share my experiences?
trust me. next, shall be my first ever formal interview.
just you wait and see.
fuck you..

easy.
so just..
come, fuck and go (:
HALLU!

2009-12-25T00:45:00.012+08:00

goodbye 2009.
i went through hell of thinking about redundant acts.
moments when you think life is at its pick, never be complacent.
i suppose i never was. i was always looking out for hidden danger.things which could make me falter.
things which could bring me down.
people who wants me down.
time and again, i grasp for a reason to keep me surviving in my fairytale life that my parents once painted for me when i was younger.

things like those dont happen often in the midst of growing up.
people arent as nice like those in the fairytale world.
you'll learn, gradually, and see that some may appear very graceful and nice, but with an ugly and evil mission.
these are things which mom & dad would want us to not go through.
but sadly, this is life.
this is something we all have to go through.

the year which i lost all motivation to study.
time was passing on sturdily but i made an affirmative stand that i gave up.
i went through hell just to force myself to study out of my own accord.
relentless.i pushed my future to a lowly ground level.
i didnt see any reason.
i didnt see anyone who would be proud of my success.
i didnt see the need.

great people stood by me.
studying wasnt their cup of tea either..
but if they could press on, why not me?
(: thank you idiots. for keeping me slightly sane.the year which i went through so much to give my parents a balance.
i cannot be a pretty princess anymore.
i am growing up and out of this shit.
nothing could hinder my thoughts.
i shouted back.
i rebelled.
i didnt see the need for any form of nags.
i started off slowly, then gained confidence.

i learnt about the night life.
i settled for clubs.
i pushed myself for the endless drinks.
i gave no thought about the person whom i wanted myself to me.
i didnt see the point.
when i was younger, i would detest this person whom i grew to be.
i just knew it.
because as much as i hated myself, i loved the company.
its an ugly truth to admit to.
but i am not ashamed.i made plenty of friends.
yes, i devoured myself in the circle.
i gave my everything to help anybody.
i made it to a level to be, not just a passing-charade kinda friend, but a true friend.
only to be taken advantage of time and again.
i rebelled.
i made my stand and decided what was wrong or right.
but that put my dignity, my principles, my self on the line.
some people just wont get it.
once the intention is set, they'll go through all odds to get you down.my love life settled for a guilty twist.
i was seen as an uprising teen to a sudden mishap.
i lost everything i built for the last 3 years.
i knew then that the year was a gonna for me.
i became the person i was not.
i took my bad habits to stride and prolly, worked well with it instead of overcoming it.
all those fueled to my sorrowed capacity i had kept within me.
i was led to a guilt trip when i fell in love again, unexpectedly.
the very same year.
i coughed out detest to myself when i did.
i never had the intentions to.
i fought, with every ounce of dignity i have left, to restraint myself.
i knew the worse was yet to come.hurt.
i learnt that there was very rarely an endless stream of happiness in a relationship.
theres always the ups and downs.
unfortunately, reality got the better of my nerves.
i built a new life with someone.
i was very sure to be careful.

deep down inside, i knew it was never fair to him.
i never gave him my all.
due to my trust issues.
we were too new.
but i fell too hard.
you know the feeling when you've had a couple of relationships that you've worked on?
the feeling of being the only person who tries so hard, time and again, to make things work?
until one day, you totally give up.
and you vow to only be with someone who'll take care of you?
because ure sick and tired of playing the nice guy?
yes, that was exactly how i felt..

truth to be told, i only got a fraction of what i expected.

my insides were chaotic with panic and grief, but that didn’t matter – only the outside mattered right now. putting on a good show was something i knew i had to master.

because i see something different in this newly found love of mine.
explain to me the reason for the fall..
in sucha short period of time..
over communications which i held a strong barrier towards.
i was personal with my privacy.
i kept new contacts away from my actual life.
it was tough falling in love.
it was tougher giving my heart to someone i barely new.
my heart was still fragile.
to top it off, i did a stupid act of giving it away to someone i barely knew.

but it was something i've never regretted.
he grew to be a part of me.
no matter how differently he acts from my expectations.
he was different in so many ways.
i wont classify it as bad, just different.
because i was willing to learn so much.
i was willing to give him my all, and learn stuff about him
..to make us work.

disappointments are unavoidable.

and so the escalating days towards the new year taught me so much which i need to learn about the basis of life.
nothing too new.
just a deeper understanding to it.

trust, as it commands, holds a huge importance in one's life.
in terms of kinship, friendship, workmanship and relationship.
i trusted my dad a life of forever being his little princess.
i know i'll outgrow it soon enough, but still, i'll always be his girl.
daddy used to pamper me so much.
things that i never knew how to take advantage of.
he'll forgo hot journeys with other aunties and uncle to bring me back to the car just so i'll get the aircon before proceeding back with the rest.
he'll never say no to me, just an assurance that he'll get it for me the next time.
i grew up without him laying his hands on me.
he was the first to do my hair.
to brush my hair every night.
curl my hair carefully at the bottom.
daddy was someone ive always looked up to.
i love him, and always will.
things may take a faithful twist over the years.
things which i cannot forgive.but in my heart, he'll always be that special papa.

mummy is always herself.
demanding yet forgiving.
fucky yet conservative.
overrated yet annoying.
whats new? i love her just the way she is..
despite my countless pissing off moments and vulgar outtake, heck, i love her.
some of the pictures that she've painted for herself are just utterly ridiculous.
but i've no idea how to tell her that.
i'm just a 19 year old. what more? its tough..
i'm not saying i'm right..
but i suppose i have to question the loopholes and other possibilities which she may overlook.
oh gosh.
please make this process easier for me.i need to take things to stride to give her a better life.
i shall.
because at the end of e day, she is my queen.

time passes and families may lose members or just simply grow.
offsprings.
death.
simply inevitable.

i think its tough to seek for great friends.one who will stick by you no matter what.
never falter away.
contacts you when the distance is widening..
doesnt blame you but does things with you..
its tough..
friends, i have plenty.
friends i cherish, very few.somethings in life are never laid out nicely for you.
you've gotta go through it, be it good or bad, to know the experience.
safety nets are not in service in life. heh.

confusions are often a hindrance to building sensible friendships.
its hard being a girl at times.
i'm not saying all, but i'm touching on the fact that there are just simply guys out there who are not sincere in their friendship.
always giving and expecting something more in return.
its tough.
to turn down friendships.
hurt feelings.
evoke jealousy.
sometimes the truth hurts.
also, sometimes the truth doesnt seem to blow them off.
i dont wanna be mean.
so just please, get the facts right and know your limits.
it feels amazingly different to be working.
i cannot/would not be able to comprehend the feeling.
its a completely different league.
how funny.
the money.
doing something for the money.
wow.
having friends, working with people from totally different backgrounds.
i could get the hang of these.
better opportunities coming my way and i suppose i should be open to them.
new year, a brand new me to accept challenges instead of shying away from them.
i have the capabilities. why hide?
tsk. interviews are just a sore.
its like examinations and orals and surveys and scrutiny put together.
not my cuppa tea baby.
huns. you've always been special.
from the first moment i realised the truth, being in denial wouldnt help.
i knew things would be different.
from protruding through my online life..
to anchoring my heart.
2009 was a whirlwind.
but its a year i found someone whom i know i wont forget in many many years to come.

moments when i was harsh..
just being plain annoyed and unpredictable, are moments when, sometimes, i have a slightest doubt in me.
i tend to overrate these feelings.
letting them take a toll on my current emotions.
moments when i wanna forgive, but i am afraid.
moments when i wanna speak first, but i dont wanna be taken advantage of.
moments when i wanna reach out first, but i was scared of being rejected.
sometimes things are easier said than done, but at the end of the day, i suppose it'll all be better with thorough explanations and a simple hug as a hearty gesture.
i'm a very physical person.
speaking and debating is certainly my forte but..
just hug my blues away.
please.

i'm not upset that you lied to me, i just can't accept that from now on i can't believe you.
i must admit the downsides arent very great.
one day if things go wrong, i'll blame noone but myself.
i suppose, mistakes are unavoidable.
i hope he learns.
i hope he cherishes.
i never wanted to be a control-freak.
so please, tell me if i've crossed the line.
compromises are important.
i dont want you to delude youself into someone youre not..
just because of my presence.
you need a life too.
i know.
we each need a life..
but revolving around you seems like my cup of tea..
though i dont know your preference.
but we'll balance.
we will.
i know we will.
i'll always forgive. depending..
but i'll never forget. that.. i apologise for.

you've changed.for the better.
slowly, but i can assure, surely.
you've given me more and more to trust each day.
to hold on to that whatever we're building seems real.
you've insured my happiness with millions of shattered ego of yours.
i've realised.
you've broken out of your shell to ensure me.
to care.
to love.
to confide.
to share.
something which you were not comfortable of.
somehow, you've managed it with me.
thank you ((:
time is being kind.
thank my lucky stars for believing in fate and faith.
i'm not regretting.
never intending to.

happy2010.
((:if you take a moment or two, every once in a while, to sit still and listen to your heart, you’d find that your world is safe and that there is no problem without a solution. but you’ve got to learn to trust - trust life, your God, your very being. and as you trust, you’ll see that your problems start to disappear as mist before the morning sun..

2009-12-14T00:08:00.002+08:00

at the rate i'm going..
death seems more peaceful, easy.
life; is just tough and hurtful.

2009-12-12T23:34:00.005+08:00

i'm a nut case when it comes to extreme self-confidence.
in no cases would i encourage comparisons; i doubt i get intimidated easily.
i believe in beauty buried in every individual person.
but..
but i tend to doubt my every personal assets.
sometimes.
really.. sometimes.yes i've got you.
but what about me holds you?
what about me is able to keep holding you?
hahahaha.
((: take a look at my sandcastle built in my head and understand..
i'm not that cool kid with highly favorable rowdiness.
i'm not that hot lady with an amazing proportion.
i'm not that funky girl with tads of hot piercings and/or arousing tattoos.
i'm not that too much of a laid back person capable of sitting through nothingness with a cigar.
i'm not that vainpot with a million of accessories and face-paints (aka make-up) worn together.
i feel so different.
i feel so left out in a social circle you might enjoy in.
i feel so alienated thinking i could never be like them.
i feel so demoralised that you may want someone as cool as that.
not a (honestly) nerd like me.
not a boring person like me.
not a plain girl like me.
not a by-the-rule kinda lady like me.
i love my self the way i am.
i love settling around the house looking as horrible, because its me.
i love hugging my plushtoys because i feel secured.
i love having my closest ones near to me.
i love cuddling, even if its too long and draggy.
i love the cold and warmth mix together.
i love looking pretty as much as i hate too much make up on me.
i love reading books.
i love movies which provokes my emotions.
i love adventures as much as chickening out of them.
i love ghost stories as much as closing my eyes.

despite my differences, would you still love me?
...despite our forever?the short vacation to Malacca made my mind healthier..
the bustling of the city is never this peaceful.
ironically, the annoyance isnt as bad too.
heh.
put me a week there alone and i'll die.
well it was a pfft vacation.
but it made the elders happy.
very happy ((: the smiles and laughters, its a one of a kind satisfaction.
lets just put aside the e horrid dirts and insects, shall we?

so 3 days to make me truly think about life.
i'm so super duperly blessed.
no matter how little i may compare myself to the richness of others.
kids were playing in drains.
even the purest of our children's minds here are nothing compared to theirs.
they're all so young, vulnerable, simple and satisfied.
it makes me wonder how they could ever live like that.
but thats their lifestyle.
they are happy.
they are carefree.ernie, you ought to work hard. work smart.
never mind if you have no bloody idea how far these people are related to you..
i guess a little financial gesture that i may allow myself to give could lift a load off their shoulders.
the kids. the houses. the environment. the schools.
these opposites of what i have still exists.
what in the fuck world am i complaining about?

mummy, i love you.
no matter how bloody motherly you can get.
no matter your annoying voice or mood swings or.. you?
hah.((: no one could replace a wonderful person like you.
i am sorry for my unjustified behaviour if ever i've done so without thinking through my actions.

2009-12-08T01:31:00.005+08:00

i feel the need to move away from being a person filled with anger and rage.
how annoying.
but honestly, why does some things in life just annoys the shit out of you?
sometimes its the most humblest of things, or person, but you simply can't ignore the annoyance.

i feel so god damn obligated, god dammit.
give me a substantial to not wanna move out and force myself to be independent.
i'm yearning for that so badly sia.
no matter how hard its gonna be.
i love you, i promise my whole life upon it.
but i hate being obligated.
i hate doing things out of forceful sympathy which literally isnt what i would wanna do.
my heart, my head, my brain, my soul isnt up for it.
can't you see?
its bad enough that i still give face to certain orders, but your fickle-mindedness, after traveling far and wide amidst my busy schedule, is simply something ridiculously fucked up.
outrageous.
my patience has its limits.
it doesnt start from the wee mornings to the annoying calls to the horrible bank statements to the pathetic complaints.i know the crap exists.
im not too dumb and stupid yet.
maybe soon, in your eyes.
but certainly not anytime soon, get it?
fuck.

live my own fucking life la.
thanks for the advice.
but its pissing the shit out of me.
so stay away before i exploded.
wont be a pretty sight, need i remind you?

oh,and ya, thank you to the pretty and soothing moments when you decide to sing for me in the train on our way back home.
i love those moments.
when i feel like a little bird, face ashen, locking my eyes into yours.
knowing that everything that happens, its for me.
for me to feel special.
for me to feel wanted.
for me, the person you adore and love.

i havent been the best lately, i think.
i dont know.
i've just been really really childish and manja to a huge extent.
annoys me at times but its just comforting to have you around me.
the need to feel secured is acting up on me.no idea why.
don't bear with me if you can't.
please just tell me off.
its easier, rather than gaining the feeling of unwantedness.
now, that has gotta suck balls.

thanks once more for tolerating, being around and trying.
<3

2009-12-06T11:14:00.005+08:00

and so i've returned from the land of annoying-Alevels.
i suppose its the end of a chapter, and the start of a new one.
school was really tugging me towards insanity.
i remember losing every inch of motivation to get by.
the pain of these hurdles are worse than what i've been through in my earlier years of school.
exaggerating? no way.
it really was horrible.
no doubt about it.
i've been waiting so bloody long for this faithful moment to arrive.
the end of school.
the end of my uniform escapade which has been haunting me for a good 13years of my life.
the end of pathetic rules.
the end of overreactive teachers/lecturers.
the end of being a baby student.
ok when universities comes, thats a whole different story.
i'll just leave that to later, later, later! heh.thanks missy for fetching me from my last paper.
sentimental hor. but you've no idea.
i've missed having someone fetch me from somewhere.
the feeling of being awaited for.
the feeling like that someone was willing to travel so much just for you.
sighs. ((: i'll never get that out of someone else because i suppose, he never knew the significance of it. and never will.

now now i miss my fat hippo.
lol, hairildearest, need i shout that you're not not fat?
tsk, just go tone your body if theres a need la.
you still have the sexiest legs in the phatduo's perspective.
cherish it!
hahahahahha!! idiot.
((: we'll meet soon.
for the so so so many things that we have planned out for ourselves.

changing of hair colour straight after the last paper. heh.
new experiences. spontaneous acts.
yes, i love these escapades.
byebye rules. hello life!
i suppose we spent a good 3 to 4 hours at the saloon.
hahah so much for liberation huh hippos ((:
post As has been good.
im sleeping every night with the happy and assurance that when i wake up the next morning, i wont have to stare at notes anymore.
and when i wake up, it certainly is a brand new day.
no monotonous repetition of routines!
hahaha so its likely for mummy to be annoyed out of her wits.
heh. daddy is relatively proud.
that i've finally gotten these over and done with.
well i'm only guessing its because he wont have to wake up early just to send me to school anymore..
which is situated like at the other end of the country! hah!

i think the time of the month is coming.
tsk, just my luck huh when i'm trying to enjoy liberation.
annoyed. bugged. sensitive.
well, not blaming, but just stating the facts.
its annoying the crap out of me too to be behaving as such.
but what am i to do?
tsk, you know, its not, i repeat, not bloody annoying to talk about a friend of ours.
yes, some person whom you may be closer to, if compared.
ya in newyork, is it (?), so? hah, bitchy ernie.
but it is, i repeat, it is very bloody fucking annoying to repeat the name when i'm in the middle of trying to fucking do something MYSELF.
me. myself. trying. hard. for me. me. me.
i know i suck but why can't you just help me instead?
why can't we sit, put our heads together if you think i can't handle it on my own?
why not?
why? am i not up for a little challenge?
must i run to some person who i dont even fucking am close to to scream for help?
not ego, but hello, just because you're closer to that person doesnt mean i am too.
just because we WERE of the same standard in the same school..?
fuck off.
get a life.
to help, is being by me and trying as much WITH ME.
if all else fails, THEN........ we could DISCUSS for help.
and not just keep blurting out some dumb acquaintance to me.
chibei lah.
fuck ernie, stop shaking.
argh.

generally, i havent done anything amazing these days.
either people are too busy working or slacking.
heh, its true.with all my petty heart and soul, i wanna fly kite.
hahaha childish fugger ((: but c'mon.. how often is it to really let your hair down and have fun.
in kinda a cheap way. (excluding the purchase of kites heh)
i really cant wait.
day was ruined by the constant rain.
never meant to make up for it.
i suppose i've to wait for next month. *pouts*
i dont wanna sound pampered and spoilt, but i've been waiting far too long..
and hoping far too much it would have been sooner.
disappointing to the extreme. and there wasnt even plan B.
but its ok.
((: im good.

i think since finance may be a problem for the month, im counting on my little secret project at the pretty cc behind me.
relinquish every boredom, hurt, energy on the creation of this thing, my creation.
proud much.
seriously, i'm far more capable than i give myself credits for.
i am capable.
so ernie, dont give up.
its the start of something new.
and i believe that i must give my full, make the first step...
if not, nothings gonna turn out my way.((:

just my luck when i need my idiots around.
the government is still holding them.
no fair.
dumb cd,army & police. give them back to me.
i'm so free for our intellectual lepak moments now.
i need you people to destress.
and yana twinnie, oh gosh, stop working can?
we need time together!
especially since i havent been around lately.

i wanna travel.
around singapore first.
the pathetic zoo, night safari, bird park, botanic gardens.
it'll still be fun!
and do stuffs.
the healthy massages, soaking feet in fishes, play kites, moon tanning by the beach, counting stars, lazing by the beach.its all these little gestures that makes me happy.
just dont be lazy.
is it too hard?
sometimes i feel like screaming so so so loudly.
is it so hard for one to read me?
little stuffs, little god damn stuffs makes me happy. get it..?
hmph.

the sight of you sleeping probably makes me smile to myself amidst my annoyance-filled day.
ts when you appear rootedly as yourself.
the plain simple you.
free from stress, fear, anxiety.
the face which shows no facade of keeping up a stern pretense.
the face which tells me that deep inside, you're still humble, nice, sensitive, tolerant, helpful, kind, soft and loving.
the face which ascertain me that i've fallen for the right boy.
my boy.on a lighter note, the smell of your scent is a comfort to me.
honestly, it has never been so for me.
like it keeps me peaceful and safe.
thank you for always being there.
through thick and thin.

2009-11-25T15:13:00.003+08:00

lets just say i wont wanna apologize for what ive said.
it was just what i truly felt at that point of time.

yes baby.
i believed in the fact of never giving up to sustain a relationship.
to do whatever is possible.
to maintain what you and i have together.
or to make it grow better.
there are just some stuffs that may differentiate us.
things which i may want you to change for me.
i admit, its a selfish act.
but i suppose, we could compromise.
right?

thank you for trying so hard.
for even trying, to begin with.
i keep soaring with the thought that its prolly you've been single for too long.
that you've forgotten so much, as to how to take care of a girl's heart.
a real girl's heart.
not a fling.
not a date.
whom you could choose to call back or not.
but a girlfriend.
a loved companion.
someone who is willing, so badly, to go through whatever it is for you; with you.
i am that someone of yours.
honest.

my horrid texts were just me trying to get back at you.
to make you feel how i felt.
yes, i was demanding for you to feel how i felt.
i feel, shyly, used.
like i was the only one having to accommodate to this relationship.
i felt second to you.
when you were always my first.
it was hard.. to debate with my feverish self.
i wasnt thinking straight.
i couldnt.
my head was throbbing, my heart was worried.
i have these tough papers to handle, and a horrible fever that wouldnt bulge.

c'mon ernie. think about it..
((: understand that mummy and dad isnt around to nurse you.
and who came to the rescue?
lol.
you still came despite the horrid texts and i suppose i cant thank you enough for that.
heh, i really cant figure if its because of guilt or because you wanted to.
but hey, hell i was sure it was because you cared.
and you were willing to make something out of us.
yes, i am sorry for constantly arguing about the same thing.
i wont blame it on stress okays (:
its just me.
i am sorry.
and like you hunny, i wanna be better for you, for us. always.

38.4
not too pleasant.
but what more could i ask for.
the iced water wipes.
the rubs on the back.
the tapping to sleep.
the constant care for my food & drink.
the checks on my medication.

i reckon, even the little Thank You i gave you isnt enough.
because helmi, you've no idea how much you've filled up my heart.
filled it to the brim, that i could be super duper grateful that in my life, i met someone like you.
i love you.
dearly.
we'll work things out together. always.
because i don't just need that to happen to sustain us..
i WANT us to happen. forever.many many years down our road, will i have you touch me tenderly on my face, gaze upon my eyes.. and making me smile, filled with warmth after so long?

PS: thank you to the others for your care & concern during my super sick times.
lol porkyfever la since im a bloody pig at home.
special thanks to my babi hairil liao! no no, you dont have manboobs idiot.
:D fly kite dance fly kite dance fly kite dance dance dance cheer!!

2009-11-22T15:43:00.006+08:00

its just so fucken annoying to have it like this.
i text you also like no use. you cant fucken reply.
its like im texting a wall. know..?
i fucking miss you but i think thats obvious and it makes no sense to keep telling you that because.. i'll just bore you with my whines.
ive gotta fucking study but i cant since i bloody miss you but i cant keep telling you that cos i must understand that you're fucken working.
and if you're not, you're either too tired or just plainly asleep.
ive to wait so fucken late just to chat with you or something.
and even so, you'll be busy playing game or catching up with some other stuffs.
i'll only chat with you for barely half an hour and you have gotta go already.
fuck la.
i know you've gotta be a good son too.
i know.
im fucking spoilt and pampered.
im fucking not independent when it comes to this.
yesyes i know.
but fuck.
im not used to being so fucken alone when i know that i bloody have a boyfriend.
not even happy 1second text of fucken happiness.
so much for being lavished huh mom.
my heart is hurt ok.fuck As.
it was like having the worst nightmare after the happy lead of the fantasy.
he must be serious in hurting me so that i'll not fall into him.
i feel rejected, being swallowed as a hard candy.

2009-11-16T23:26:00.005+08:00

im in the midst of it..
just 3 times left of dawning into the school uniform ((:
then im a free free free bird.it gets tougher i suppose..
the papers.
i thought i handled the earlier papers pretty well..
..but econs technically killed me.
i dont even know what or how im supposed to feel.
its Alevels. its the final battle.
no, retaking As will never ever be in my list. never.
everything done now is final.
there's no chance of an Ooops!
whats done is done.
i dont think i'll ever regret not starting my revision early.
i guess, what i've done towards the remaining quarter of the year is simply something for me to remember school by.
the climbing of gates.
the skipping lessons.
the hiding from teachers.
the horrid mc.
the VP bestfriend.
heh. i mean, i've never done anything like that before.
screw the role model crap, even though this is wrong, its once in a lifetime experience.
you'll never ever get the chance to be a defiant student anymore.and so econs is over for my babi hairil!
((: proud much.
your losing weight escapade starts now.
plus you can forget about how im always complaining that my head pain!
how fun!
i'll join you soon ok.
2weeks left til the end of A's.
trust me man, you've mugged so god damn hard.
you'll bear the fruits of your labour.
we wont look crappy the next time we're out ok..
heh ((: hello D.U.C!
im so excited.

coming back to an empty house, without a text from your loved ones, after a horribly painstaking examination paper isnt my cup of tea.
its tidal worse; worst.
i know i can never have things going my way all the time.
i know i've to let the selfishness in me erode away, and fast.
but lets check out my point of view -
sucky paper = sucky day
and who/what can make me feel better again?
hmph.
oh well, buckle up ernie.
welcome to the mature-ride.
plus yes, its 3 days left to having you fetch me from school.
ever.
i dont know.
im not wanting to be demanding but i thought its something real nice to do.
your schoolgirl girlfriend.. atleast for once, fetch her from school?
prolly to you it isnt important, i guess.well i can understand.
corrections.
i must understand, if not i'll just be left at the side sucking my own thumb wishing for something which isnt vital to your existence.
transport fare. totally understandable.
forever sleeping time.
tired.
i know. i get it.
im sorry.
but never again.
for a girl in uniform.
leaving school.
into your arms.
don't sweat it.
i'll try living with that thought.

on the flip side, thank you for dropping by sometimes.
for a simple chat on how our day went.
yes - it beats sms-ing or calling.
for a simple hug.
for a simple kiss.
for the tiniest of assurance that you're supporting me all the way.
thank you.
i may have heaps of dis-pleasures sometimes but with that, comes along a load of appreciation.
even for the small things.
because its true, the small stuffs make the largest difference.
thank you for making me realise that.
i love you.
hell alot.

running in my head now..
i predict life after As to be completely vibrant; filled with opportunities..
or dull and lifeless.
tsk.
i dont wanna be left alone.
all alone.
omg.
get that thought out of here!i better think of what to do now huh.
advanced planning.
heh ((: i know mister - i can't depend on you too much.
you've to work, and apart from that, you'll just sleep your day away.
hahs.

lets see, the probable things like:
shopping
bowling
eating escapades
dancing
badminton
chalets
picnics
beach-ing
dressing up
working
toning
holidays
i need someone to do these craps with.
lol!
and my very very secretive plan with the detached CC around the corner of my house.

i know the wine fair and work environment isnt as pleasant mommy.
but i guess you've gotta pull through.
i cant promise, but i'll try my hardest to be responsible for myself as much as i can.
i love you.i promise i'll do more things for myself, but not end up being selfish.
i'll take care of myself despite the ruins of our family.
you've thought me well and no, you shant be worried.
i'll try.
my very best.
always.

2009-11-16T13:01:00.005+08:00

personally, Alevels is a torturous nightmare.
please wake me up.
please.
i miss the fun and carefree life.
i think hairil would know how i feel.
dissing every soul who looks like he/she is enjoying life.
walking around. having picnics.
smiling so happily.
little babies/ toddlers shouting and giggling.
hopping and jumping everywhere.
eeew unfair!
i wanna be like that.
hahahhahahahahaa
ok shut up ernie.
:D but i miss having fun..
having my random escapades.
especially with my dearest helmi.
playing xbox and warcraft.
hahaha or with my phatty missy.
drowning in tequilas and squeezing lemons til no ends.
or watching ghost stories and freak ourselves out.
and and and the thought of spending post-As with hairil is horribly making me impatient.
we wanna fly kites and dance til no ends and lose weight so we get rid of the babi in us.
mugging with hairilboo is becoming my way of life these days.
HAHAHAHA
i enjoy is as much as i dont wanna get used to it.
omg studying kills. honest.
from knowing the familiar faces at coffee bean to smuggling in our keropok under the table to keep us awake...
LOL ((: i'm gonna miss all that.
OH plus the one-for-one coupons that we got.
omg. the lattes, pastas, breakfast, ice-blends.
wooooooooo!
people there look super smart.
super confident when they're studying.
eew, i wanna be just as smart please.
hope it reflects in my results.
but i've gotta admit its all last minute work.
i'll try as hard.
but i won't expect too much.
((: c'mon... i can't regret now.
i won't.
this is life.
something that has been set out for me.
i keep thinkin of what i'll do after As.
i've been cloggin up my head thinking of a job.
yes, i WILL have fun.
but i've gotta be certain of a job.
i don't wanna be a jobless and helpless girl.
i don't wanna be like me after O's before.
hahaha ((: when everyone seems to be working, i was still this little girl having fun.
too much fun.
hahahaha.
i wanna be grown up now.
its my time to shine.
c'mon mom and dad, this is for all that's worth.
i'll show you.
nothings gonna take a toll on your little princess.
she is smart enough to make concrete decisions.
though she's gonna falter (i know so), but just shut up and be proud ok.
lol.
i love love you people.its amidst my horrid times like these when spending quality time with the one i love and adore would mean the world to me.
yes, like taking short trips and cooking together and laying on the couch and having pampered by cuddles.
omg you have no idea how happy you've made me feel.
hahaha.
((: yes i think i fell asleep in your arms.
my head is screwed with too much memorizing of the dumb economics foundation.
and i'm tired from the constant late nights and lack of sleep.
i feel like a helpless baby in your arms.
hahahhaa.
thank you for dinner (one which is my only meal of the day and which seems to last me til now!)
i love you helmikental!
so much.

2009-11-03T23:13:00.009+08:00

i do a dissappointing job at lying to my close-ones.

for starters, i'll go around the bushes trying to hint that something happened or is going to happen.
i leak guilty grins easily.and i can't escape the curious stare.ok let's just say, i should just simply not lie.
because i've nothing to lie about.
hmm but i'll consider to protect my other love-ones ((:
truth hurts. i know.
but sometimes, it just needs an extended clarification to get things right.
it pays to listen.

my sole mugging award goes to noorhairil.
yes,hairil - THANK YOU.
for all the everything.
i think mugging and this point in my life is blatantly impossible.
without such encouragement and motivation, i suppose my energy would just go pass the drain.
heh, then i'll prolly be left sucking an egg at the corner. *winks.
from my tedious cravings to my constant complaints, i can't thank you enough for pressing on.
mugging is a horrible bitch.corrections.
Alevels is a nasty bitch.
capable of sucking up every life-forms on earth.
created to diminsh every happiness that we chance upon.
eeww! go and die. -.-" ok shut up ernie.
ok, so A's is on wednesday.
whoa ((: after 3 years.. you're here.
HELLO ALEVELS! how are you?
waiting for you has caused much damaged to my lilfe.
please be nice once you arrive.
all the best to everyone facing this thing called Alevels!

6pimples (& helmi is still counting)

wrecked hair
oily skin
puffy eyes
dull face
aching back
pain brain

HOW I WISH!!

*my desired subjects for my Alevels would be: H2 Facebook H2 Fashion H2 HAir H1 General Makeup H1 Mother Dresses H1 Teddy Bearsour quirky and witty moments are acting up on me.
they're making me miss you fast, and that's very scary.
prolly i've gotten used to too much pampering, it scares me to have you gone.
i think, apart from the bitchy muggings, i can't fall asleep beacuse for the first time that i am in love, reality is finally better than my dreams..

seeing you appreciate my little surprises.

seeing you come by just to accompany me through my lonely hours.
seeing you caress my hair, my cheeks, my hands..
seeing you see me..
it makes my heart skip a beat.
its the little stuff that makes a big impact..
((: i dont know about you but i sure as hell remembered the dude who told me this the very first time we chatted.

little miss heart in me is in a turmoil right now and i prolly need to get things out..

firstly, i have a tendency to feel insecure at the most inappropriate timings and it signals the need to have someone closeby.
i know, i am assured of how much you love me..
and i know i can;t be too expectant..
but my urgent exams are drawing near and i need as much comfort as i can..
)):
and through this, i've never had to deal with prepaid cards.
to have it reduced is unjust.
i need my pillar.
i need my booster.
it kills to have to keep assuring myself.
but i promise you, i am growing up.
i promise you my life that i don't ever wanna make you feel bad.
but sometimes, i think i cannot change and grow up too fast.
it is paining me.
if only you can see me now.........

i think i'm at a stage of my life where physical presence and honest acknowledgement keeps me going.

abit dumb i must admit, but it does.
this last league towards the finishin line is ultimately something i am capable of, but sadly, not strong enough to do it on my own.
where are my supporters?
my banners to encourage?
my drive towards success?
moments when i sulk being the only child?
demanding.. i know. i am sorry. once more.

how can it be so strong?

the amount of discomfort my heart feels whenever i come back to nothing..
i hate the pressure, thats fair enough..
but to have nothing to look forward to? other than a place to rest?
i'm not ready to rest *pouts*
yes i am mentally drained, but i need physical fun moments to make it up for it.
tsk. i am a tough kid. please handle me.
i'll handle myself soon.
i've lost all motivation.
studying doesnt make me happy anymore.
why must i do something that i am not happy about?
i've noone to rend my emotions to when i need it the most..
what so ironic about it is, i feel like bursting the the bottlecock thats keeping my emotions deep within me yet i feel empty and shallow..

if you love me..
you'll love me with my buruk-ness okays?
*pouts.
XOXOXO

on a lighter note, i want you to know that i love you muhammad helmi ((:
hahahahahahaha.
acting like you need to care about my well-being all so randomly and all..
heh ((:
i love you mr handsome,cute,kental boy!

2009-11-02T02:23:00.004+08:00

i really can't get myself to sleep.

so i am up, thinking about us.

is it safe to say that i'm free of all insecurities after all these time of being together?

i doubt.

for one reason or not; i'm afraid of the fact that you might get bored.

heh, silly.

it may be tough to admit that we belong together now..

am i capable of holding down this once naughty & mischievous boy?

apart from that, i tend to question myself alot if you are the one for me..

the right one to bring in constant care & happiness into my life.

because baby, i don't wanna make a mistake.

i'm prolly sick & tired of making one.

i've learnt one too many times. for a girl like me i pressume.

nonetheless, when i sit and think of all the little gestures from you, it makes me believe that as hard as this change may be for you, you are trying...

instead of dwelling, i should just be appreciative.

no matter how awkward these gestures may be, they never fail to keep me smiling and thankful of what i've got.. and thats you ((:

thank you helmi for your constant care & selflessness.

i hate it when you feel inferior about the love and happiness or the amount of sweetness that you're giving to me..

because hunny, i just need you to know that you're found a place in my heart and it's a place i wanna forever treasure.

a place where i want you to happily reside & stay to be a part of me.

i love you helmi.

i love you too much to have you flee.

2009-10-30T23:23:00.005+08:00

sometimes, both verbal & written contexts could be perceived wrongly by the other party.
i'm sorry if i've ever blabber things down without any second thoughts.
we've been hovering around each other for over afew months now.
sometimes the sentimental part of me wishes for us to take a moment and reminisce on our past journey.
what moulded us and helped us get to where we are now today.
i think the past is important.
yet; it should not hinder us.

i've been thinking about the definitions of happiness.
does having a boyfriend, with lovely friends around, loving parents and gettin by day-to-day a form of happiness?
i don't know.
i suppose everyone portrays happiness in their own little personal form.
i suppose my portrayal is much too far-fetched.
as unrealistic as i may get, lets pen it down..
i doubt it'll bring any harm. then again, it might help you to know in making me happy(happier)..
HAHA!((:happiness..
to have a very stable career, equipped with a healthy income plus a homely house where i reside with my amazing family.
a horribly-humorous boyfriend to keep me on my toes and lighten things out for me whenever i'm bursting with stress bubbles.
a group of amazing friends whom we could chill out and do plain-nonsensical stuffs with.
heh. i guess thats a source of happiness.
for now.
i'm prolly halfway there. lol.
the career part? school isnt paying me.. so i guess after As, i shall escalate towards my happiness.

a horribly-humorous boyfriend.
lets just say i'm never doubting my love for him although sometimes i force myself to.
he may be everything i may have ever wanted, then again, he can also be my worse nightmare.
i'll admit my princess-tales in life, not too much of the pampering..
but the wholesome sweetness i get out of people..
but with you; you're always making me wait for the tweeny bit of sweetness to get out of you.
ouch.
thats wayy bad. it's killing the little princess in me.
i dont really care about ego.
heh, ego. an excessive or exaggerated sense of self-importance.
its typical of a guy to have an ego the size of Everest.
but sometimes, it comes to a point where you ought to be matured enough to sip the practicality of your ego.
dude, how much more literal should i get?
it hurts to be telling you the list of stuff i want out of you.
it doesnt just hurt, it sucks.
because you know what needs to be done, but humongous mr ego just hinders everything out of you.
shitbags.
at times, you've gotta think.
think and get some actions done.
((: because walking out of a problem isnt goin to solve anything.
trust me.

*love does not make the pretty world go 'round.
love is what makes the 'round ride worthwhile.
graduation.
a day of pretty clothes, flickering cameras & gorgeous smiles.
((: thank you everyone for the wholesome 3years spent.
the last league huh? Alevels.
i think its a horrible battle.
i could prolly give up; but i'm still holding on..
although i'm slipping by the seconds.
as much as i wish it'll be over soon, i dread the start of it.

ps baby..
i wish i could be your tear drops,
for what more could anyone ask for..
then to be conceived in your heart,
born in your eyes,
live on your cheeks,
and die on your lips((:

whenever you come by, i feel like you're coming home to me.
it gives me a sense of importance in your life.
like i really do mean something to you, til you're making the effort to come by to me.
it makes me feel special. belonged.
i never wanted you to feel like i don't want you around.
because that's a lie.
i dread having you far apart.
but i don't want to be needy.
i wanna stay, and be your miss independent.always.

2009-10-24T16:56:00.004+08:00

sometimes you are a plain fucker.
or maybe you're just oblivious to your surroundings.
to hell with ethics, i would rather scribble this out fast then waste my time thinking and breaking down.
it hurts my fucken hearts.
it tears my fucken emotions.
don't treat my place like some fucken place you can come whenever you like la.
when you want, you come. when you duwan, you dont wanna come.
oh c'mon. considered my feelings?!
what if i wanna stay home for an instance?
you still take the liberty to come.
why? 'cause you feel like coming.
shit.
so only you have the pleasure for it?
fuck off.
and hello, i laid things out nicely.
why the annoyed defence?
i was being nice fucker.
i was nice enough to prioritise on you, if not my mom.
can;t you just accept it?
tsk.
if everything revolves around you and your last minute charade, then i suppose you haven't learnt or understood what its like to be in a relationship.
what happened to making a compromise?
i wanna plan my day too, but i wanna you to be my priority.
the least you could do was tell - earlier!
and not come up with stuffs like...
oh i feel like staying home uh.
if i go out also, to meet my friends.
knn cb.

2009-10-20T20:45:00.007+08:00

i do a good job of blocking painful, unnecessary things from my memory.
things like those takes time.
sometimes, alot of time.
but i don't deny that i love myself too much to leave it to haunt me.
helmi should know me better.
this is who i've grown to be. ((:

its weird to be thinking of what should or should not have been.
past relationships are technically suppose to make one stronger, more responsible and more matured.
its true in some cases.
but what happens to the dirty laundry when the break-up isnt as clean?
when you thought the worse has ended, it keeps coming back?
i'm not saying that its affecting me.
but the things that i hear and get noted off, it isnt as pleasant.
yes; it may boosts my ego, assure my esteems and uphold my dignity..
but for how long?
i am happy with my life now. contented. grateful.
i doubt you'll be reading this at any point of time in your life..
but i'll let my truth to be told here.
i find pain talking about it to the one i love.
i know he loves me, and is willing to listen to anything that i am thinkin of.
but i am not going to have a conversation about this with him.
i wont take his emotions for granted.
i love my boyfriend and my current state too much.
sometimes, things happened for a reason.
if you think the reason sucks, or that you can't accept the changes, then i am sorry for you.
to me, the change has brought me irreplaceable happiness.
an acceptance which is beyond words.
you are not comparable to him, in any ways, i am not going to compare.
you had me once before, and lets just say, things didnt work out..
and now, we're happy for each others' new found happiness.
i'll tell you this once; i am too happy.
i won't ease your regret, because its none of my problem.
just accept what life has to offer.
because faith and fate knows best.
just ask the grant-er of my birthday wish come true..
heh ((:
when i look at helmi, i see my future with him.
i don't wanna be a mushy, little girl with a lovey-dovey dream..
no way.
but its the truth.
yes its technically 133 days of helmi for me* (and still counting).
despite the horridly little amount of days, i am safely in love.

when i look at helmi, i see the guy who will come home to me each day.
the guy who amidst every problems in life, will at the end of the day, seek comfort in me.
who, despite any wrong doings, will be brave enough to be truthful to me and rather get bombarded than live in guilt.
_________________________________________________________________

today marks our last official day in school.
even so, i didnt attend any classes.
just for the attendance. whats new.
and i scribbled these..
*i'm sitting in the library all alone..
coldness surrounds my boredom.
all i can think of is the that state that i'm in now.

firstly; where has my motivation gone to?
why can all my teachers see so much potential in this little lost girl?
please let me see that too.
i wanna do well.

and then i', setting eyes on the stadium.
and i see myself running, laughing, dancing and cheering.
i'm gonna miss this horrid school.
the irony.

One Time by Justin Bierber is playing in my ears.
and i'm clouded by the thoughts if i was your number one girl.
if its true that my fights would be yours too.
if you love me as much as you've uttered time and again.
if i've made you as happy as can be.
i picture me meeting you later with tears of happiness streaming down my cheeks.
i don't know why.. **
__________________________________________________________________

now i'm seeking comfort within the silence even with you by my side.
its ridiculous to say that im stressed cos i cant find the perfect shoes to wear for tmr.
HAHA ((: honestly, i'm not that pathetic. i think.
i guess i've just had too much in my head.
i keep wanting more.
i keep wanting near perfections.
although the simplest things make me happy, i want things to be almost perfect.
i won't say im pampered for all these, but its just me.
not materialistic. but just wanting the best.
i've this super mixed up feelings.
for which you'll prolly laugh at.
but lets try..

*breathes in and out*
i cant find the perfect shoes after having the perfect dress. im afraid i'll look disgusting. why? because i cant decide if i should wear stockings or not. because if i do, should it be skinned colour or black? if i dont, oh shits, i have the worlds' most ugliest skin for now because the mosquitos are not being kind to my legs. plus, if i look disgusting, would you still love me. and next, i am afraid that i am being an annoyance now. yes, i know im already am. but i cant seem to change it now. fuck my period. if its about pms then i promise you this is the worse yet. and its fucken annoying. i wonder too if my mom would just shut up if i told her ive bought the perfect dress. screw saving money. i wanna look nice. fucken thoughts. i hate myself. i am annoying. plus plus, you are leaving so soon.. i know i will come to regret tonight only unless i change and feel all happy again. argh. oh and do you really love me? heh. i am stupid. will i look pretty tomorrow? but who cares. i feel ugly already.

ok shut up ernie.
((:shy was right, i should blog about more happy stuffs.
at least, make things sound happier.
LOL the way i express stuffs are just.. heh, i'm lost for words to describe my own expressions.
ohwell.

for the last time ernieza zailani, get your insecurities straight.
people love you. and you know that.
you love yourself. and you love these people alot.
so just shut up and be happy.
and stop thinking too much.

baby, i could go on doing all these with you.
being with your friends.
having dinner together.
visiting.
just being plain happy.
i love you.
and i wish for us to have many many more happy experiences together.
just you & me.

it was ridiculous, and egotistical, to think that I could affect anyone that strongly.
it was impossible. and yet i couldn’t stop worrying that it was true.

2009-10-07T11:13:00.004+08:00

clouding thoughts.
its almost 11am now and i know ure at work.
i cant seem to fall asleep despite my remedy.
i keep recalling of the known fact that you're my greatest remedy even on my sleepless nights.
also, i do not wish to escalate anymore known facts of not being in sch.
i was certain when i said school isnt as important as u.
because Alevels are. i wish things were simpler sometimes.
my strength is surpressed by other's certainties and its pulling me down.
i'm not liking it.
but as much as life has to offer, i promise u and myself and the blanketed emotions of my mom that i wanna do well for the As.
although im not in school, i'll do my essays and revisions.
after graduation when sch isnt as per normal,then i'll start calling up my teachers for personal consultations.
please back me up on this.my heart and head is in a whirlwind.
i am stubborn, i know.
have you ever had that feeling that no matter how much that person loves you, he/she may turn to someone else for something that he/she can't get out of you?
((:

2009-10-01T00:59:00.003+08:00

it’s a bit late for me to worry about who i fall in love with.
but even without the warning, i seem to have managed fairly well.
..or so i think.
the outside world holds no interest for me without you.
and im not just saying it.
its a nice and pretty feeling to comprehend that you can read me so well.
somehow or sometimes - you tend to overdo it and its just completely wrong.
(but you're so full of yourself that you always think you're right)
heh, but its ok ((:
i guess, its the thoughts that count.
the thought of always wanting to know how or what i am feeling.
the thought of wanting to make me feel better.
i shall give you credits for that.

on the other hand, i dont want you to think that i'm humping too much dependencies on you.
for the fact that the outside world holds no interest for me without you; it means that nothing could beat the excitement of going through stuffs and having you by my side.
but i dont wanna come off as someone who needs you all the time.
my miss independent charade may cease off for the mean time because of certain things which i may portray as taking it lightly.
hell no.
i feel diluted in this world and somehow im limited to only afew pillars of strength.
for one is obviously my cracking days of cheer and dance.
i miss all the overworking and pissed-off-tiresome-moments.
the amazingly latenights and still, im capable of studying amidst these craps.
it keeps me motivated. it keeps me happy. it keeps me going.
im just hyper; prolly.
lets just hope my heydays aint over yet.

its the moments when you start keeping to yourself that you'll learn who your true friends are.
those you'll find for you.
who'll seek and reach out over at your end to assure you that they're always a phone call away.
i suppose friendship is an important factor in motivating oneself.
its just that - only afew realises it.
sad. ((:

to be going away from singapore is something i never wanna think about.
i guess its a good change.
but honestly mommy, you've lived long enough to be sick and tired of this life.
you've lived through so much and you should be awarded with this new life your way.
but not me.
i am not ready. i am still young.
i still have opportunities to seek for. to reach out. to learn.
thank you for the given chance, but let me go with the flow.
please dont rush me.
for the furthest reasons that my heart could conquer, i wanna make this work with my life partner too.
i wanna stick by him mommy.im not selfish.
i love you but i am in love with him.
i want you to have your chances out there.
but please let me keep mine.
my boyfriend is a keeper.
and losing him is something i'm willing to strike off my destiny.
i’m a pro at weird.
i'm a weirdo at sweet.
amidst these misconceptions, i'm a sucker for you.

yes, the tiniest things can get me thinking too much.
thank you for taking it well.
i wont suppose i should say that its just the start of many...
but it is the beginning, we cant deny that.
with much wishes, you would endure it with me for us.
xoxo
your girlfriend.

*all she has are memories, but i've a future with you.
and maybe the next line wouldnt show me to be pretty kind as well but..
i'll rewrite destiny even if he's your sweetheart.

dont come asking me why i'm not asleep mister.
((: i'm not yours to answer.

2009-09-16T00:40:00.004+08:00

snippets of the past are bound to haunt one's life in the near or far future.
nothing that we can't overcome, i guess.
the past would be a great guide towards your future.
however, one should not let it control what you do.
you can reminisce.
you can learn from it.
but never let it determine your life.
changes occur.
and in life, choices are given.
the past should not determine your future.
change it; control it.. well.

i used to dream about life being a bed of roses.
that everything should be the technical flow of happiness occurring.

terrific education equates to a high-paying job.
pretty perfect little family brings tremendous amount of love.
sugary dream-man would mean a fantastic love life.
ernieza ((: sorry to burst your bubble.
yes baby, its time to grow up. oh well..
as much as growing up seems cruel and uncertain, i suppose what i'm learning along the way in life is equipping me to be a better person to face all these reality.
moments to cry for.
moments to cheer.
moments to think hard.
moments to dwell.
moments to be appreciative of.
they may not all have happy endings, but segments of experiences to be glad of.
..that once in your life, you've actually been through it.

i think families are a great bunch if treated with honourable humour and respect.
then again, families could also be bundle of heartaches which brings nothing but hatred
though that isnt very healthy; its the ugly truth.
it hurts to reminisce on what could or could not have been.
as a single child, i never saw myself being a prospect of an ultimate spoilt bimbo who would get whatever she wants and cries to maneuver towards her undying evil goals.
i've always thought i was a capable girl who has a bright future filled with charming dignity and ambitions to get through this harsh life.
i should be appreciative having parents whom would not delude me into thinking that life would be a perfect pretty barbie world.
they warned me early.
they equipped me with what they know.
they supported.
and one thing is for sure, i know they'll continue supporting no matter what.
what they say wont bring us down.
because we're family.
mom, i never thought you were incapable.
i never thought you were imperfect.
you are always my role model.
in more than just your stupid ways. heh.
you've brought me up well, i know how to differentiate whats good and whats not for me.
not everything you do is right mom, and you know that.
but i promise that every good quality of yours; i'll rigidly follow.
because to me, you are perfect in those ways.
under whatever circumstances, i want you happy.
again.. you wouldnt be readin this obviously.
but i guess its important for me to let out that i cannot imagine a life without you.
mothers are everything. ok, apart from mothers who just have that title on but does nothing to impact her child's life... that; i feel sorry for.

i never wanna go on life without your guidance nor your worries.
though your nags are annoying, it assures me that i am always cared for.
it reminds me that i am still your little angel who could only wish to break free.
i know mom, that no matter how much i've grown, i'll still be your little girl for whom you cannot let go.
but i guess you know better than that.
i dont wish to do something that i wont be happy of.
please understand my qualms. my worries. my opinions.
i need to lead my life. let me learn through my mistakes..
and you.. you should piece up your life and be happy.
because there is nothing that i could wish for the most but for your life to be very much fulfilled.
i'll stand by you mom.
promise.
i love you.
once upon a time, when i could admit vividly that i havent experience anything much...
i would have a honest stereotype of guys for whom i wanna be with.
noone too cheesy.
the helplessly romantic.
the risk taker.
the hot lips.
the sexy eyes.
the pretty hair.
the masculine bod.
yes, its a checklist of perfection.
but i was wrong. noone is as perfect.
noone could fit the bill.

when he comes along.. you'll know if he is the one.
intuition baby.. *winks.
but that too can be tough. been there, done that. lol.
i've learnt to love someone for their imperfections.
you know what? ((:
*touch wood. heh
if ever it comes a day for which you're in the arms of another...
i'll miss your horrid yawns.
your terrible language.
your sickening playful ego.
your lame jerk fortress.
your unreasonable load of food.
your evil jeering.
your helpless sweet-talk attempts.
as horrible as it may sound, they would be part of the list that i'll miss.
probably you may find another like me, but hunny - you'll be irreplaceable.
you were never my rebound.
you've always been my strength.
no matter how much of a delusion i am in.
i cant wait to overcome the future with you.
it seems exciting.
weird.
true.
6 years and counting twinnieloves.
we've been through hell of alot of idiotic stuff.
gee, the irony.
you've seen me regret, cry, acting all weird and also when im at my happiest states.
moments when you came by when you were pissed off with the world...
when we confided..
when we were helpless..
when we were lost..
when we were simply growing up.
i miss those moments.
but lets accept that life is pushing us forward.
we're a sentimental duo and i promise you that whenever your emotions are in a whirlwind, i'll be there for you.
tremendously proud of your 4-wheeled achievement love.
i was a weird monkey i know. that makes u my monkey-twin.
lol.
it gets me excited that everyday, we're stepping foot into the pretty little portrayal of life that we painted once before.
the change in outfit, the messy hair, the heels, the shades, the cards, the keys *winks.
when we finally blossom, i bet we'll have so much to look back and smile about.
we'll always be a part in each other's lives.. and twinnie, i never want that to change.

my heart is so fragile
and oh so easy to break
so please treat it kindly
for love's pretty sake
and of cos, never let my heart
fall onto the floor
cos if you ever did
i could love no more
all my hopes and dreams
are stored in my heart
and i wanna share them with you
and never ever be apart

2009-08-27T20:45:00.008+08:00

life moves on from an individual's past.
the past makes the present.
when i sit and reflect and think, a part of me tells me this is what i am ready to settle for.
failed relationships should not bother me anymore because i should be thankful for what i've got now.
i am not dwelling, i am appreciating
**love is always patient and kind.
it is never jealous.
love is never boastful or conceited.
it is never rude or selfish.
it does not take offense and is not resentful..
when i was pretty young and an infant in love's life, i used to have this written in every notebook that i had.
to me, it taught me the basic fundamentals about love.
to be in love..
to love.
to love my mom, my dad, my family and everyone around me.

life is accelerating at a normal speed for me now.
nothing for which i can't catch up.
it gets boring and monotonous sometimes; but i am thankful.
hahaha prolly thats what you'll get out of a hyperkid.. always wanting something beyond the limits.
but challenges are fun.
its true for me ((:
when we went by and saw that someone whom you had a past with, i honestly didnt have any anger in me - neither do i pile up any resent.
the nod or smile or stare that you gave gave to each other, i was basically able to accept and give you that little moment.
i dont know how else to put it but i was satisfied with myself that i was able to take it well.
that i didnt burst neither did i have anything to feel sad about.
((: i was relatively feeling well about it.
hah. ernieza is a big girl now yey!
ok childish much. lol.

maybe for once, im gonna sound really lame in my entry.
but lets analyse the list of idiotic reasons why i tend to miss my helmi too much.
it becomes strangely weird.
he somehow makes me feel like a newbie in love.
two nights ago prolly after we ended our day and he left, i had this strong sensation burning.
of misses and love-rage.
yes, i was pissed off at the strong missing feeling that i had for him.
lol. weird but true.
what does this mean? i dont know..
we're new.
like i suppose, im just like a little girl in love with him.
a little girl who is satisfyingly happy being left in a candy shop! heh.

im addicted to his hugs.
the assuring touches.
im addicted to our cuddles.
the ones filled with love.
im addicted to his voice.
the ever soulful joy.
im addicted to his gaze.
the ones raging with love.

hah and here i am trying to be different.
i shouldnt try so hard i assume.
because you love me cos of me.
and because i'm retty dumb.
but oh well, that makes you dumb too baby.
i've nothin else left to write..
ok thats a lie, i have tonnes but i figured i wanna try something new.
((: use my imeem acc if you can't listen to my recording fully.
its meant for you since i was mending a horrible headache last night but i was itching to spell out my feelings at that moment in time.

Sound clip 14.mp3 - ernieza

i always wanna tryout something new.
and it'll be nice if i have you to share it with.
i love you.
i love us.
always.

2009-08-17T11:09:00.005+08:00

i've learned that you cannot make someone love you.
all you can do is be someone who can be loved.
the rest is up to them.
i've learned that no matter how much i care,
some people just don't care back.
i've learned that it takes years to build up trust
and only seconds to destroy it.
i've learned that it's not what you have in your life
but who you have in your life that counts.
i've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
after that, you'd better know something.

i've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself
to the best others can do,
but to the best you can do.
i've learned that it's not what happens to people,
it's what they do about it.
i've learned that no matter how thin you slide it,
there are always two sides.
i've learned that you should always have loved ones with loving words.
it may be the last time you'll see them.
i've learned that you can keep going
long after you think you can't.

i've learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done
when it needs to be done,
regardless of the consequences.
i've learned that there are people who love you dearly,
but just don't know how to show it.
i've learned that sometimes when i'm angry i have the right to be angry,
but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
i've learned that true friendship continues to grow even over the longest distance.
same goes for true love.
i've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to
doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

i've learned that no matter how good a friend is,
they're going to hurt you every once in a while
and you must forgive them for that.
i've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others.
sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
i've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken,
the world doesn't stop for your grief.
i've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are,
but we are responsible for who we become.
i've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other.
and just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

i've learned that sometimes you have to put the individual
ahead of their actions.
i've learned that two people can look at the exact same thing
and see something totally different.
i've learned that no matter the consequences,
those who are honest with themselves go farther in life.
i've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours
by people who don't even know you.
i've learned that even when you think you have no more to give,
when a friend cries out to you,
you will find the strength to help.

i've learned that writing,
as well as talking,
can ease emotional pains.
i've learned that the people you care most about in life
are taken from you too soon.
i've learned that it's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice
and not hurting people's feelings and standing up for what you believe.
i've learned to love
and be loved.i guess i love penning down the things i've learnt thus far.
((:
thank you for all the influence and the care.
the setbacks especially which somehow played a part in influencing my thoughts.
and in a way, making me think widely, more maturely, and grow.
i was surfing through the web and found a pretty story.
i became fond of it.
i love it.

One night, Tammy was fondly thinking of her boyfriend, Tim.
His birthday was coming up and she wanted to do something extra special for him.
So, she decided to ask God for help.

Tammy called out: "God?"

God replied: "Yes, my dear Tammy".

Tammy asked: "I think that my boyfriend, Tim, is the most wonderful man.
He makes me so very, very happy. God, I want to do the same for him.
Change me into the woman that Tim will think is the most beautiful, the most kind, the most affectionate and the most loving."

God asked: "Are you SURE, that is what you want?"

Tammy replied: "Yes. Yes, I am sure".

God answered: "Very well Tammy, go to sleep and rest easy, for when you wake up tomorrow morning you will have your wish".

Tammy was very excited, but eventually she fell into a deep, deep sleep.
When she awoke the next morning, she remembered the promise God made to her.
She sprang out of bed and ran to the mirror to see what she looked like.
What she saw was a woman with no make-up on and uncombed hair.
Tammy recognized her. It was the same woman that greeted her at the mirror every morning.

Tammy cried out: "God!!"

God replied: "Yes, my dear Tammy?"

An exasperated Tammy said: "God, you said that while I slept you would change me into the woman of Tim's dreams. I woke up this morning, I look EXACTLY the same!
I feel EXACTLY the same!".

God answered: "My dear Tammy, I did not say that I would change into the woman of Tim's dreams while you slept.
I said, when you awoke you would have your wish.
I didn't take an interest in your request just last night.
I have been working on that since you were in your mother's womb.
I have been working on your wish for the last 43 years.
I haven't made you into the woman of his dreams. Tammy, I have made you into a woman beyond his dreams."

i wish i am the woman of your dreams. what did you think of the story? i think its pretty boo ((:
amidst my imperfections, i see myself being yours.
i dont know if its bad luck to you to be having someone like me, but i guess i am depending on fate.
plus me, always being the best of myself for you
it's hard to make conversation when you've taken my breath away...
((: i love you..
i treasure us.

2009-08-14T15:42:00.006+08:00

fear.
what is fear actually?
i suppose everyone has their own sets of personal fears.
in time to come, we have to overcome it.
the moment the fear ceased for me, was the moment when i decided for myself that it was more productive to be brave.

in our pretty little modernized world today, are we braver in overcoming our fears or are we more fearful?
with all the advancement and the more in depth humble knowledge that we posses, are we actually inviting a more complicated form of fear for ourselves?
one may fear competition in life.
the actual fact of an individual always inspiring to be the best.
to not lose out.
or prolly, to not be looked down upon.
competing is healthy, but one should not take it too hard.
chances may slip once in a while.
if its meant to be, then its meant to be.
sometimes, fate do play a vital role.
to be fearful of changes is obviously a common one.
optimists may think that change is good and it pushes oneself to their limits.
to try and keep trying in order to progress in life and succeed.
but how often do one actually gain success?
prolly after multiple failures?
the future seems rather subjective. ((:

to let off some fearful steam, some may turn to their personal habits to pollute their minds and hearts.
like the occasional emotional drinking, excessive smoking, the anxiety to hit someone or even to pen out feelings.
sometimes what we write may not be what we feel.
we tend to avoid fear.
suppressing it within us, hoping with all our might that it would not surface.
it helps sometimes, when you tend to forget the possible heartaches or pain.
but on the other viewpoint, bottling things up would one day cause you to explode like a huge giant volcano erupting.

when a child ends school and he/she has to choose a certain course or work path to lead, that individual could get fearful of the wrong choices.
decisions in life may sometimes be irreversible for some.
finance and social obstacles may get it the way.
thus, i suppose one should really make the choice given every opportunity.
to choose a career path is somewhat important.
the constant changing of jobs due to faltering passions would reflect rather badly on oneself.
then again, things change.
your passion may change along the way.
if you're in IT, the dynamic technological advancement could be an obstruction to you when finding a job thus causing you to change your career pathway.
even the economic fluctuations would make an impact.
things arent the simple flowery things anymore when you grow up into this ferocious world.
things aint pretty.
its tougher when you take into consideration all the possible obstacles.
be sure to plan.
and be very sure to have a backup plan.
((:

fear for some selfish humans may be not getting what they actually expect out of life.
not a very strong point but i suppose, i want to relate to it.
even though for some, i may be portraying myself as a selfish being..
atleast i am capable enough to sip them out and analyse them.
my train of thoughts would first have a pitstop at the possible horrible outcome of my As results.
honestly, i dont expect fantastic results because i know my capabilities.
my attitude isnt at steady towards this examinations and ive only got myself to blame.
i know that.
i've been thinking of alternatives to gear towards with these horrid results.
if i am thinking of going private, i would want to have a stable to job, to atleast have a stable income for my petty stuffs in future.
i fear not meeting the gross income of my desire.
honestly, i want a good salary slipping in my bank account every month.
i wanna live my life knowing that i can spend, i can give and i can save.
to spend for myself.
to give those in need.
to save for my future and my family's.
these are important.
i want to be able to support the ones around me.
to support even myself.
i dont see me as being materialistic but sometimes i think, i ought to learn to satisfy myself and not depend on others.
but yes, my ultimate priorities should always, always, always come first.

leading up to life's needs, one would need love.
but sometimes the fear of acceptance is left on the line.
i admit, i am afraid of losing out - especially in my love life.
i would give so much, sacrifice too much just for you and us to be happy.
i think thats healthy, no matter how typically dumb i may sound.
because i believe a happy relationship would make me happy in life.
somehow i suppose i find motivation, encouragement and warmth in it. ((:

my biggest fear is the probable social rejection.
thanks to my birthdate, my hororscope and the growing-up surroundings i've gotten..
..i admit a whole lot to this.
without any pressure or horrible influences, i suppose i develop these thoughts all on my own.
with my own thinking and analysing of life ((:
bottling things up may not help.
avoiding is unhealthy. thus im pouring it out; coated with delicious sauces along the way.
heh.
i am thankful for all those around me.
i am thankful for life.

this is me.
and these are my fears; written.

2009-08-11T00:45:00.004+08:00

and so the week is gonna begin soon.
with torturous school and horrible revision slots.

first and foremost - happy birthday singapore ((:
i mean, no matter what discrimination or bias quotas which exists, i doubt i'll trade any other country to be called my home.
i love this country.
no matter how boring it gets.
i suppose those who wanna leave this place so much would not have thought about our almost-perfect security.
or rather, havent travelled around to be thankful.
this is my home and i am proud of it.
transport wise..
patheticly fantastic education..
those its expensive, it portrays our amazingly high standard of living given that its just a tiny counrty.
i admire our security..
duely respect our government too..
no matter what the opposition parties might do to influence (if there's any strong ones in any case) we should be thankful that the existing one has already moulded us into who we are.
aint an easy job, so theres certainly a need to be proud.

the pledge moment at 8.22pm on singapore's birthday is simply bewildering.
in a way.. ((:
its just nice to hear everyone pledging with lifted spirits and emotions.
in any ways..
emotions could sometimes be misleading..
depending on the ways they are being shown or the ways they are being comprehended.
never do i ever intend on depicting such negative vibes on my thoughts on our relationship.
(or in any in general)
i really suppose its because we are new.
heh.
or rather, you're different. we are different.
thus the way im handling it is rather shaky and thoughtless.
because...
heck i've no idea why.
in any case..
((: i love having you around sweetchamp.
honestly, i could spend stupid moments sitting and walking with you and just spitting out rubbish.
HAHAHA :D
sentimental much but i enjoy every moment of it.
simplicity yet meaningful.
just the way i like it...

look at me.
smile.
caress me.
hold me.
pull me close.
pull me closer.
hug me.
pecks my cheeks.
lingers on my lips.

i love you.

2009-08-08T22:50:00.005+08:00

when i reminisce about the past, i wonder if any of my wrongdoings or good have brought me to my present state.
i feel utterly discouraged easily, though i show none of it.
i feel bitterly rejected when things dont go my way.
i feel horribly muted when i am not the best.

somehow i want you to know that i was never this sort of person.
one of strong-willed, willingness, strength, determination and perseverance.
not boasting but im stating.
do i still possess these qualities?
can you even see them?
or just a puny tiny bit?? ((:
*sigh*
life is a constant ball of change.
as much as it sucks, i have gotta deal with it.

i left my past for a better future.
though it was sour, i presume i was capable enough to grow out of it.
demoralised, yes. but i came to learn about my own strengths and weaknesses.
til it came to a point where i know my mistakes, i know what i ought to do..
.... just that somehow, along the way, i lost the momentum.
for one; school.
i hate school. and yes, its the first time in my life you'll hear me saying it.
prolly to those who has known me long enough to understand how much i used to love school.

a better future then would mean a better state for me at present; now.
i hope so.
im handling things appropriately i suppose.
but feelings of unjust emotions would just have to be penned out.
i cant.. i cannot keep them within me.
i dont know who or what is gonna read this or create any impressions about me but this is me..
and this is what i've turned out to be.
sorry - to myself.

sometimes i feel like i've grown to be a person whom i dont wish to be.
a person who picks wrong choices.
a person who detests.
a person who does the things even when she knows its not suitable.
but life is short.
i wanna experience it all.
although its like a totally wrong period of time, i wanna do it.
thats wrong.
im no more an example to live by ((: stay out of this.

one things for sure, i wish my love life could pull me back up.
honestly, i dont wanna put any pressure at all on my current boyfriend.
but i wish he understands my situation.
my fucked up situation where im changing too much til i myself cant control me.
my attitude towards education is a hefty lot.
i need to straighten things out, pronto. but i cant find the will.
i dont seem to feel the sense of urgency.
shit.
simultaneously, i wish he knows that happiness plays a vital role in my life for me to succeed.
wtf. i hate to spill all this but i have to.
little pretty heart just wouldnt be at peace.
i dont wanna appear boring or overly sensitive.
i dont wanna be the on-the-dot girlfriend.
i dont wanna be the controlling girl.
i dont wanna be the too-dependant person.
i dont wanna you to worry about me.
i dont wanna be a bother to your life.

i want you happy. satisfied. contented.

i am sorry if i am not making us happy.
or annoying you with my sensitive acts.
its just me with the current state that im in.
even i hate me. )):

my love life before has always been too perfect to comprehend.
prolly the beginnings.
i dont know.
but when i sit and reflect, i see myself doing everything.
i see myself at the losing end.
as a person i am, i try with all my might to make things work.
even if it bruises my ego.
anything for the one i love.
i gave all that to a person before.
and now, i wanna give the same to you, and even more.
but somehow, i just dont know how.
i know i am capable since i was before...
but situation changes and even i change..
but i want you to have the best.
i really do.
because to me.. you deserve nothing less.

its not because of your charming aura.
your pretty lips.
your glistering eyes.
or your moulded body.
or your polished nails.
not even cos of your cute face.
not even cos of your attractive smile.

everything wont portray the depth of love that has grown for you.

to me, i am with you because of your attitude.
your personality.
amidst that jerk-ful fostress which you built, i love you for you.
for that simply satisfied boy.
for that random heartful talks to assure me.
those moments which you were willing to come down just for me though you're not at the best state of health.
those moments which you were just a text or phone call away.
your thoughts of guiding me through life.
your thoughts of even wanting me to meet your mom.

we're new hunny, and everything which i type out may seem few.
but its the feelings which glides along with it that conquers it all.

life's dramas are nothing new.
episodes after episodes would bring along with it a different climax.
when we watch it, its like we never want it to end.
just like us; i never want us to end.
as much as i can never seen you as my boyfriend before....
...i never want us to fall apart just as much.
because i have grown to love and care.
i appreciate you. for all the everything.

i want a new state of mind.
i've started it by having someone new, someone better.
hopefully, you're willing to go through this with me.
guide me through, and i'll guide you.i am sorry if im not pretty enough.
i am sorry if im not hot enough.
i am sorry if im too fat.
i am sorry if im a pain.
i am sorry for my endless insecurities..
for the simplest of reasons - for you to keep loving me.

ps: i am pissed off at you ernie because you keep making horrible judgements and always make people think negatively of you. tsk )):

2009-08-08T17:28:00.006+08:00

never wanna be caught in a jealous disaster.
neither do i wanna be trapped in a jealousy pitfall.
NEVER.

i wanna trust him.
i wanna be the best too.
but sometimes it sucks having those insecurities.
im not seeking revenge.
neither do i wanna scream and shout like what my dampened little heart is doing.
i just wanna be myself.
and i want you to accept me for me.
((: apart from being insecured of the person that you already are, it doesnt help me to know that im still being compared to to the others when im out with you.

how do i put this?
alright, no, you dont compare.
i dont. you dont. we dont do that.
but it gets blatantly annoying when every girl who walks pass becomes an object of your attention.
so much for the thought of making me feel secured.
its fucking annoying.
plainly, annoying.
need i say more?

sensitive; i might add that to my list.
but one or two and thats it lah.
if it becomes consistent, i would certainly just blow up.
jokes aside.
not when my insecurities sets it.
dont bother then.
i deserve better.
sorry.
its just pissing me off.
you're just pissing me off.
and yes, she may be better than me.
and yes, i should be triumphant that its me whose hands you are clenching.
but no, i dont feel right.
get it?
its ok.
((: im just a sensitive little girl.
as compared to all your matured pretty friends, im nothing but a little child-brained girl in love.
period.
it dwells in the deepest pits of our souls
subversions and ruin, its the cruelest of goals
when least expecting, then it rears its head
tainting my heart, til i'm left dying - or dead
this 'green eyed monster', it dwells in us all
and we're never prepared when it comes to call

unless loyalty and reasons dare to take a firm stand
this emotion called jealousy shall get out of hand ((:

xoxo
enough said.
iwantonlyyou.

2009-08-07T00:26:00.008+08:00

i cant repay the lessons that you've taught when i was small.
neither could i give you gifts of the daily treasures that i could recall..
i cant return the encouragement and those endless words of praise..
for all that you've done for me, all through my childhood days.
but there is one gift that i can give,
its all the love you're earned.
for love is what you've always taught me.
and to love is what i've learned.

sometimes when i sit and reflect..
as a teenager growing up..
i find it easy to take our parents for granted.
probably their love and concern becomes a way of life til we no longer take a moment to ponder and appreciate them.
((:
mum
for all that you've done, moulding me into who i am..
teaching me life's essentials..
establishing my morals.
thank you.
but sometimes, i guess you have to know that..
i love you, but im not in love with you.
gee, there's a difference babe.
but i hope you get the point. gradually.
hahaha ((:
for the moments which i've upset you, or have gotten pissed off..
i am sorry.
but truly babe, i've got your back and you've got mine.
we're a team.
you and me against the world.
you're my bestest friend.
you're my guardian angel.
you're my shooting star.dad
at some point of time in my life, i wish you hadnt existed.
i didnt hate you that much, but i was pissed off.
what i failed to comprehend is my dumb-ness in realising what you've always been to me.
i grew up kiddishly as a daddy's girl.
it was you who was my hero against mummy the monster ((:
the one who buys me magnum icecream whenever we fill up the petrol.
the one who would carry me so i wouldnt hurt my feet in my new shoes.
the one who would take a detour during an outing to bring me back to the car just so i could have the aircon and not sweat.
yes dad, i remember.
i could never hate you.
i grew up not being as horribly pampered.
you were good.
((: atleast i was brought up being pampered with a limit.
heh.

her hair up in a pony tail, her favorite dress tied wit a bow
Today was Daddy's Day at school, and she couldn't wait to go

But her mommy tried to tell her, that she probably should stay home
Why the kids might not understand, if she went to school alone
But she was not afraid; she knew just what to say
What to tell her classmates, on this Daddy's Day
But still her mother worried, for her to face this day alone
And that was why once again, she tried to keep her daughter home
But the little girl went to school, eager to tell then all
About a dad she never sees, a dad who never calls.
There were daddies along the wall in back, for everyone to meet
Children squirming impatiently, anxious in their seats
One by one the teacher called, a student from the class
To introduce their daddy, as seconds slowly passed
At last the teacher called her name, every child turned to stare
Each of them were searching, for a man who wasn't there
"Where's her daddy at?" she heard a boy call out

"She probably doesn't have one," another student dared to shout
And from somewhere near the back, she heard a daddy say
"Looks like another deadbeat dad, too busy to waste his day."
The words did not offend her, as she smiled at her friends

And looked back at her teacher, who told her to begin
And with hands behind her back, slowly she began to speak
And out from the mouth of a child, came words incredibly unique

"My Daddy couldn't be here, because he lives so far away
But I know he wishes he could be with me on this day
And though you cannot meet him, I wanted you to know
All about my daddy, and how much he loves me so
He loved to tell me stories, he taught me to ride my bike

He surprised me with pink roses, and taught me to fly a kite
We used to share fudge sundaes and ice cream in a cone
And though you cannot see him, I'm not standing all alone
'Cause my daddy's always with me, even though we are apart
I know because he told me, he'll forever be here in my heart."
With that her little hand reached up, and lay across her chest
Feeling her own heartbeat, beneath her favorite dress

And from somewhere in the crowd of dads, her mother stood in tears
Proudly watching her daughter, who was wise beyond her years
For she stood up for the love of a man not in her life
Doing what was best for her, doing what was right
And when she dropped her hand back down, staring straight into the crowd
She finished with a voice so soft, but its message clear and loud
"I love my daddy very much, he's my shining star,
And if he could he'd be here, but heaven's just too far,
But sometimes when I close my eyes, it's like he never went away."
And then she closed her eyes, and saw him there that day
And to her mother's amazement, she witnessed with surprise
A room full of daddies and children, all starting to close their eyes
Who knows what they saw before them, who knows what they felt inside
Perhaps for merely a second, they saw him at her side.
"I know you're with me Daddy," to the silence she called out
And what happened next made believers, of those once filled with doubt
Not one in that room could explain it, for each of their eyes had been closed
But there placed on her desktop, was a beautiful fragrant pink rose
And a child was blessed, if only a moment, by the love of her shining bright star
And given the gift of believing, that heaven is never too far

this is something which i would read.
and comprehend knowingly.
((: i dont need to be in the same situation, just the same mess.
haha balls of tears much!

i love you mom & dad.
i would never stray away.
no matter how old i am, i'm always yours. til death do us part, you'll forever be in my heart.

2009-08-03T00:04:00.006+08:00

"Being in love is what makes working all week bearable. It makes cruising with your windows rolled down feel like you're riding in a convertible. It makes you dance to the rythm of the copy machine and makes Friday night really feel like THE WEEKEND."
Julie Hintz

*We laugh our smiles and weep our tears, even argue, fight and share our fears. You know the secrets of my soul, you fill its emptiness, you make me whole....

geeee and to think i was falling in love with you without even knowing it.....
impossible hunny.
simply impossible..

our interaction with other people is inevitable and everyone can identify with a need for someone’s companionship.
loneliness is not amiable to us.
having intimate relationships help us grow and learn more about others and ourselves.

i guess life now is just being a gradual acceleration for me.
not taking the honest happiness for granted, but im basking in the moment.
contented much.
grateful much.
to be a better student.
to be a respected daughter.
to be a happy friend.
to be your official girl ((: they say good things start small.. (like your delightful gaze which never fails to set me on fire huns)
to think that we were once just friends
gee, my love for you has grown tremendously...
like a ring, it has no end ((:
i feel so much desire
when you are by my side.
i long to kiss your luscious lips..
unknowingly, i long to make you mine.
i love listening to your jokes
and the weird ways you make me laugh
how all that could make me forget my lifes' dramas,
like im choosing the right path.
i feel like you're my angel
that could one day make me fly..
you could help me erase my past burdens
and then help me say goodbye.
((:i want you to fall for me
like the way i fell for you
i know that in life, you'll save me
only you can help me through...

the phatty-sary is on the 5th; starting with the never ending fucked-up fridays.
the unofficial love-ride is on the 7th.
the official love-knocking-me-down-at-food-junction is on the 2nd :D

i think with each passing day that passes, it gives me more and more reasons to be in love with you.
more valid and mature reasons, i should say.
((: at times, when your wind-of-sudden-sentimental-change arises hehe, your answers to my questions would be the most unpredictable shit ever.
that would bring about a horrible connotation for me to be typing like that but nahh, its a good thing.
a good and freaky thing.
cos holy shit, you're capable of sweeping me off my feet.
hell you!
it seems as though i no longer have to worry
about my heart breaking into two..
finally im basking in happiness
as im falling in love with you.
and so it seems as though no one has ever struck me
in the ways of your beautiful soul (none to be compared; period :p)
my heart beats deeply for you
and i guess hunny, its beating out of control.

butterflies build up in my stomach
my heart is leaping in my chest.
never have i been so euphoric
hey bodoh, its me who loves you best ((:
well for now i guess theres no need to ever worry..
for we'll always be together.
He painted a pretty perfect picture,
of our love lasting forever.

fb status update: this is pretty lame but i suppose my love for you is like a journey; starting at forever, and ending at never ((:
booboo i guess we're just into our honeymoon period.
you were right.. thank you for the reality check.
about the potential jealousy and heart aches and ego and hurt.
the need of a healthy relationship, a compromise to keep our love strong.
((:
thank you for being the one who brings it up.
that itself is a form of stability brought to me by you.
it means alot.
after the past which ive went through, i was harping on the fact that i would prolly be stronger to keep things to myself.
cos what you don't know wouldnt hurt you*
but i guess, you've jumped the gun.
in a sense that, you've figured out about the potential attitude i would have portrayed even before i could predict it for myself.
thank you.
i'll try.
to be the better one too.
to be what you desire.
better still, to be a better me. for myself, for you, for us. (((:

*if God is the DJ then life is the dance floor, love is the rhythm, and you are the music.
love is not about finding the right person, but making a right relationship.
it's not about how much you love each other in the beginning but how much love you have built in the end.
what is meant to be will always find it's way. you'll want, you'll learn, you'll do
i'll tell you this is true
but none as sweet as the gift of love..
..thats shared between us two.

2009-08-01T01:43:00.005+08:00

㋡ kimmy™ ☆ says:
heyz
i rather die den die trying
ernieza says:
((: dont say that
life is a gift
embrace it
㋡ kimmy™ ☆ says:
if everything happens for a reason
my life would be a bout
badthing resulting to another bad thing
yeahh a gift of suffer
im sorry lahh
im just fed up with my life
ernieza says:
i understand
it comes to a point where u feel like giving up
and throwing life away
㋡ kimmy™ ☆ says:
i always feel like dat
ernieza says:
because theres no reason for the core of your existence
i know..
it happens..
㋡ kimmy™ ☆ says:
always??
ernieza says:
sometimes.. yea((:
impossible but true
its a hurtful thing to know but like i said.. life is a gift
to the simplest satisfaction and appreciation, atleast thank God for giving you life..
㋡ kimmy™ ☆ says:
still let me ask u this
have u ever seen me really happy
ernieza says:
i havent.
((:
have u seen me honestly happy?
the juggle of perfection between my family matters, my friends, my academics n my love life?
㋡ kimmy™ ☆ says:
nope
ernieza says:
right..
㋡ kimmy™ ☆ says:
but u still had something to smile about
ernieza says:
because things arent always perfect
yea, because i am contented abt the littlest blessings
and u shuld be too
something as simple as gg out with ur friend..
or having cheer pracs..
or even having proper food to eat..
thank God you have that..
its a blessing.. ((:
some ppl out there dont have these priviledges.
look at life in a different prespective..
a much simpler one..
because life isnt too complicated until u start have standards for it
㋡ kimmy™ ☆ says:
do u think im negative??
ernieza says:
i doubt u are
honestly
((:
㋡ kimmy™ ☆ says:
tell me the truth
ernieza says:
its because of the continuos setbacks in life that keeps u this way
its not ur fault
honestly, i am tellin u..
its not abt u being negative
its abt how ur life is treatin u not the way u want
㋡ kimmy™ ☆ says:
thats wat all say wad
ernieza says:
yes, if u see me as wad others would say too..then i cant say anything else
but honestly..
i would be jus as negative too if i was in ur shoes
but i dun know
because i cnt jugde
because i am not u and i am not in ur shoes
all i can do is be a listening ear, a helpin hand.. and give suggestions
((:
u know ive got ur back
thats all i am here for
i cant make decisions for you
neither can i judge you((:

daddy hakimmy, i am sorry life is not treating you as well.
i cant be a heroin to save you..
neither can i make your life perfect.
but i promise i've got your back.
trust me ((: a friend in need is a friend indeed.
i want to see you honestly happy one day..
despite life's setbacks, i want you to overcome them with pride.
with that, comes a greater sense of satisfaction.
then i promise you that your life would prove to have a better meaning.
take one step at a time.
slowly. steadily.
time is virtue.
life is a gift.
appreciate it.
i used to think life is simple..
that we have the power n the right to conquer our lives...
but as i experience life along the way, ive learnt not to be too naive..
that i need to accept whatever that happens..
no matter how much you think u could control life
u have to give a tiny bit of hope to fate
because we have to believe in fate
fate does exist ((:
but i guess this is plain reality
im not gonna be the friend who gives you hope
the pretty pretty picture of life
tt its gonna turn out perfect
no
i dun wanna put u in a delusion'
because life is tough
its harsh
but as a friend.. i wanna show u that life is tough
i wan u to learn along the way to accept this toughness
i wan u to NOT give up
((: be a winner to yourself; if not others
because self satisfaction is the best feeling u'll ever get.

_________________________________________________________

and here i sit; thinking if this is it..
if you are it..
if this is the life i wanna settle for..
the moments i wanna cherish..
the happiness i wanna sustain..
the adoring love which i wanna embrace..
the person whom i wanna go through everything with..

i feel utterly domestic with you.
heh for some strange reasons, i find myself imagining about us in the future.
i feel horribly ridiculous!
i am sorry.
gosh i was never the type to feel and imagine the very very future..
of marriage and household, but i think i am getting older.
yucks.
hahaha but ive to snap back to reality.
LOL i feel kiddy all over again with you.
the jittery butterflies in my tummy.
the gazing-upon-you moments.
the moments i was left in awe.
i love you.

and i thank my lucky stars for shining brightly so that i could be led to cross your path.
((:
everything seems to fall into place with you around.
tell me this is it..
tell me you're here to stay..
tell me that i am the one for you..
tell me that you are the one for me..

i'll tell you this..
((: i am in love with you, and i care.

2009-07-30T10:52:00.004+08:00

i think moments which could hurt you, would only make you stronger as a person.
nothing less.
sometimes penning out your feelings takes time.
proper time when your emotions can be carved out nicely into a pretty sentence structure.
((:
i suppose working up my brain early in the morning today gave me the advantage for this.

a tangled heart.
a daunting past.
an unpredictable future.

as much as it could hurt, sometimes you have gotta be selfish to attain what you desire.
..what you think is right for you.
i wanna let my past go; smooth and clean.
in no possible intentions of mine would i wanna hurt someone.
i am sorry for what we had.
for what i've turned out to be.
i wont hate what we had though.
i can't hate you either.
thats just not me.
but just let me be..
being the person who wants fun.
to be carefree.
to change into a person whom she thinks she enjoys.
let me do the things i wanna do.
im still young..
i know my priorities.
i know my balance.
honestly, i am still finding my balance at that.

my heart is torn.
my heart is lost.
my heart is tangled.

and prolly, its about various setbacks.
none of which i would regret; but stating it would just be a penny for my thoughts.

honestly, i am afraid if shaking off the past would have karma haunting me.
stupid thought, i know.
but its the truth.
what if leaning onto my next relationship would mean me being left alone in the end?
i dont want that.
geee, am i thinking too much?
i am scared.
but i guess the uncertainty would help me be more curious in life..
and thus leading me on to be stronger in the future.

i want a person to be strong with me, or by me.
to not leave me in times of needs.
i guess, thats my stereotype thinking of a relationship.
someone to go through thick and thin with.
to care.
to love.
to trust.
i suppose trust takes forever to build up, especially for me.
but i am trying.
im hoping, crossing my fingers and praying upon hope that you will not shatter my trust.
that you shall not break me.
(or break me too much til i am beyond repair)
it hurts to even swallow the thought of you treating other girls and me equally; if not unfairly.
i thought things like that would just happen in the movies.
heh. but then again, like i said.. the impossibilities are endless since we crossed paths.
i dont just wanna be your responsibility.
but to be shared in your priority.
like family. ((:
sooner or later, i hope.
because it pains me to be in the mere list of people that you easily wanna be fair with.
because i love you so.

i hope my past doesnt bother you.
i hope my present wouldnt hurt you.
but i hope my future is drawn out to be with you.thats how much i yearn for you in our ridiculously short moments spent.

2009-07-30T02:31:00.007+08:00

sometimes, it comes a point in our lives when we have to think what we are doing and where we are heading.
when happiness fades, we need to look for new beginnings.
when love dies, we need to step away and carve out the dead feelings. ((:

up until a few weeks/months ago, i kept myself into believing that true love only happens to others.
i, on the other hand, was contented leading a solitary existence given my own eccentricities.
made to believe that love comes and go.
or prolly im just too young.
too gullible?
or simply; not suited?
but fate obviously has different plans in store for me when our paths crossed.

when we first met..
feelings that i didn't know existed stirred in my heart.
an unexplained desire to know you better and a burning hope that i made a good impression in that silly train ride.
it is not often that we come across a person in our lives that we want him/her to take notice of us and ignite the spark that is embedded in our hearts.
weirdly, obviously not in a dumb uniform. heh.
ironically, you've grown to be that special person to me and my instinct has not been wrong.
with each successive date, i come home with a stronger and stronger longing to make this last.
a firmer belief that you are the one that i could share my life with.
and a deepening love that reached a depth that i have never ever experienced in such a short period of time.

for some, i suppose, love doesn't occur in an instant.
even i used to think that love takes some time to grow..
especially the kind of deep love that envelops us now.
but love can also be strange.((:
if the person feels right in every way, love can take on a level of intensity that we never knew we are capable of feeling....
honestly, this is what i'm experiencing right now.
being with you is comfort..
is love..
insecurity yet contentment, passion and happiness, all rolled into one.
a myriad of feelings but each works with one another to build a profound emotion in my heart that only you are capable of arousing hunny.
this relationship may be fairly new right now but..
i can earnestly say that i love you with all my heart.

for the moments we've shared.
from the persuasive understandings, the heartfelt talks, the horrible jealousy, the strings of not-wanting-to-be-sentimental moments, to the simplest and randomest outings that we have...
... ((: thank you.
i like it simple.
i dont need the superbly materialistic stuffs. not too much. heh.
just dont feel bad.
cos i wanna spend every moment with you.
not just be with you when things seem good and all-fun.
through thick and thin yo. *winks.

being a random human on facebook...
i tried on those dumb applications that has gotta do with my birthday date.
horribly crap but i swear its something interesting for me to analyse.

your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:
You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

Your views on education
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:
You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:
You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

most of them are true i must say.
not just the good, but the pitfalls too.
the loyal tauran who would do anything for her loved ones.
...being stucked to a playful libra.
ironical.
but hell.
a challenge im willing to conquer.

i wanna be yours so much
to go through everything with u..
and i am willing for all that.
but i am afraid of the possible heartbreaks
honestly its not abt being afraid of getting hurt
but its the thought of not having u close
as i say..
i will get u hurt...i will hurt u in smeway or another..
bt i will nt leave u
=)
i'll stick by you
love you
and care
nothing less
just the same as when we started out
or rather, not the same.. but more
(:

mummyboo
i never had any intentions of hurting you.
you're my priority, my responsibility.
its not a reputation to live up to, nor is it a must for me to keep you happy..
but its a want. a need.
my need.
you never left my side.
ive said things which may hurt.
harsh and horrid stuffs.
though i may mean every word of it, i suppose its for the betterment of us.
i see us as a team, mom.
you and me, against the world.
we can't falter between us two.
we need each other.
i love you.

of passion and style

"She probably doesn't have one," another student dared to shoutAnd from somewhere near the back, she heard a daddy say"Looks like another deadbeat dad, too busy to waste his day."The words did not offend her, as she smiled at her friends

And looked back at her teacher, who told her to beginAnd with hands behind her back, slowly she began to speakAnd out from the mouth of a child, came words incredibly unique

"My Daddy couldn't be here, because he lives so far awayBut I know he wishes he could be with me on this dayAnd though you cannot meet him, I wanted you to knowAll about my daddy, and how much he loves me soHe loved to tell me stories, he taught me to ride my bike

"She probably doesn't have one," another student dared to shout
And from somewhere near the back, she heard a daddy say
"Looks like another deadbeat dad, too busy to waste his day."
The words did not offend her, as she smiled at her friends

And looked back at her teacher, who told her to begin
And with hands behind her back, slowly she began to speak
And out from the mouth of a child, came words incredibly unique

"My Daddy couldn't be here, because he lives so far away
But I know he wishes he could be with me on this day
And though you cannot meet him, I wanted you to know
All about my daddy, and how much he loves me so
He loved to tell me stories, he taught me to ride my bike